Questioning what I never thought to question

So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.  And researching.  It's like... I know labels aren't necessary, and truth be told I don't even like labels.  But I want to be labeled as something.  But maybe not use the word "label."  Maybe just to be something.  But I want whatever I call myself to be accurate, you know?And I think what I am, if I had to have a label, is asexual.  Homo-romantic asexual.

Want the long version of the story?  Ok.  But it's really not very long at all.  Actually, there isn't a "short" version or a "long" version.  There's just one.  But anyway. 

Let's go back in time to, say, 9th grade.  I'm 13, almost 14 years old (at the start of the school year) and I'm dating a guy.  I start coming out to a few really really close friends as bisexual.  I mean, I had to be bi.  I liked girls, and only girls... but I was dating a guy.  So I couldn't be a lesbian.  I loved being with him, but it was always more of a friends thing than anything else.  I really just wanted to be friends with him, but if I was with him I felt like there was no question to anyone about what I was.  We break up, but still that's ok because we'd been together for almost 6 months.  Who gets right into a new relationship after a hard breakup after being together for so long?  Right?

Fast forward to 11th grade when I'm 15, almost 16.  This whole bi thing is starting to feel really ridiculous to me.  I know I'm not bi.  I know I only like women.  But I'm still lying to the world, and trying to lie to myself as well.  I'm trying to make myself be more normal, thinking that maybe I could make myself like men too.  I know I can't.  And I know that I'm just gay, but I've come out to a few more people as bi, so I think to myself that whatever.  I've labeled myself, given myself the wrong label, but whatever.  I guess I'm just stuck with it.  

Now let's go to the end of senior year.  I'm 17, and starting to come to terms with it a bit better, being a lesbian.  I don't like that word though.  I don't know what it is about it, I just don't like it.  I'd rather just say "gay."  I mean, when people think of the word "gay," they use it to describe guys, but doesn't it encompass all of it?

Now fast forward to the present.  Never have I felt sexually attracted to anyone.  Emotionally attracted? Yeah.  Physically/aesthetically attracted? Yupp.  But sexually attracted? No.

And I've always thought that maybe I just hadn't met the right girl.  When I'd imagine my future, it included an amazing, beautiful, intelligent, perfect woman falling in love with me (and me with her).  We'd be the perfect couple, that couple other couples are always jealous of.  We'd get married.  We'd adopt a million kids.  Our life would be amazing.  We'd kiss and cuddle and be together all the time.  We'd be happy.

But sex?  That was something I'd never even considered.  It never even crossed my mind.  It was never something I'd thought about or wondered about or was curious about.

I would tune out when my friends would talk about sex because it wasn't something I was interested in.  It never occurred to me, until recently actually, that not wanting to have sex wasn't normal.  Normal, there's a laugh.  Nothing's normal.

Then I found this website about asexuality, and after reading about it, I think that fits me better than any other sexual orientation.  And there's different "sub-categories" (I don't know what else it would be called?) within the asexual orientation.  There's hetero-romantic asexual, homo-romantic asexual, bi-romantic asexual, etc.  So I think what really fits me best is homo-romantic asexual.

But what if I'm wrong?  What if I give myself this label and overtime things change?  I'm only 19, 20 in October, and that's still young.  What if I do meet someone, fall in love with someone, who I do want to have sex with?  I mean, I guess whatever label I give myself, it really doesn't matter in the bigger picture, right?  Ugh see, this is why I hate labels.  This is why I think labels are so completely unnecessary for people.  Human sexuality is such a complex, confusing thing that labels don't always fit.  We try so hard to fit everything into perfect little categories and give everything a word and a name and a label, when the fact is that labels are shit and not everything is going to fit in to them.  And yet, I try so hard to find a label that fits me.  That doesn't even make sense.  I don't make sense.

I guess that's it for this post then... Because I really don't have anything else to say.