Adventures of a Shockingly Average 30-Something

It's been a couple of years since I've actually made any sort of New Year's resolution.  To be completely honest, I never really saw the point of making one because, from what I've observed in my life, they never seem to last for longer than about a month.  So instead of making "resolutions", I've decided to set goals.  I think they're attainable goals, and at the end of 2015, I'll be able to come back to this post and see just how well I did with my goals. My goals for 2015: 1. Read more!  And keep a list of the books I read in 2015, so I can see just how much I actually read in the year. 2. Be a better friend.  AKA, be the one to text first sometimes!  Be the one to initiate plans on occasion. 3. Update this blog more often than I did in 2014! 4. COOK!  Look up healthy recipes and cook something at least once a week. 5. Get my driver's license. 6. Find a second job. 7. Save money so I can pay back student loans and al...

Dear Candis and Izzy, Here's something you both already know: you two are two absolutely incredible little girls.  Candis, I cannot get over how fast you're growing up.  I don't know why, kiddo, but I still always picture you as the tiny little not-quite-two year old you were when you and Mommy lived at the apartment.  And man, tiny  is an understatement.  You were so so little.  But now!  Now you're five  and you're in school !  That's just so crazy to me.  Where has the time gone? And you, Izzy, you're growing up fast as well.  Two years old already!  Oh my gosh, I remember when your Mommy posted on facebook that she was pregnant with you, and now you're two already!  You, little girl, have the most infectious laugh and smile in the entire world.  When you laugh, the whole world smiles, and I hope that is something that never ever changes. It was so great to see you two today!  My mom and I stopped by you...

It's been quite a while since I've written anything on here!  October 26th, the day before 1989 hit store shelves, was the last time I posted here, apparently, and it was a sort of review of the album.  So as I sit here in my pajamas, watching The Voice as Christmas lights shine in the living room, I figured... why not write something up now? It's nearly Christmas!  I'm so super excited about that!  I've finished (nearly) all of my Christmas shopping, and now I'm just waiting for what I bought online to come in the mail so I can wrap it.  I'm also waiting for my sister to finish her shopping so we can mail stuff down to our brother and sister in Alabama.  But anyway.  I'm so excited for Christmas!!  I don't have any big plans - just spending the day with my family, exchanging presents, and hanging out together.  The thing I love so much about Christmas is togetherness.  I love spending time with people who I care about. I honestly fe...

The year may be 2014, but Taylor Swift fans are ready to party like it's 1989. Officially, there are just about 6 and a half hours until the release of Taylor Swift's fifth studio album, 1989.  However, several people who pre-ordered the album from Target (including myself) received their copy a day or so early.  I got my copy in the mail yesterday morning, and the tears (of joy, of course!) were so close to falling.  This is the selfie I took with the album when I opened the package it was in and saw it for the first time yesterday morning -- just ignore my messy "I just woke up 5 five minutes ago" hair! It probably comes to a shock as no one when I say I'm a huge fan of Taylor.  When I was fifteen, in 2006, my mom stopped at Walmart and bought me a copy of Taylor Swift's first album, and I quickly fell in love with absolutely everything about that sixteen-year-old country cutie.  It didn't take long for anything Taylor sang to top my ...

Taylor Swift dropped another song from her high anticipated fifth studio album, 1989, last night, causing quite a frenzy among her fans (because it's Taylor Swift and everything  she does causes a frenzy among her fanbase).  Welcome to New York is the third song we've heard from 1989, which hits store shelves in just under a week (only 6 more days! Oh my god!), and is just as great and catchy as Shake It Off and Out of the Woods.  All three songs have seen the top spot on the iTunes charts. The question might be raised - why I am writing about Welcome To New York, when I didn't write about Shake It Off or Out of the Woods?  Because it's not that Welcome To New York isn't more important than the previous two songs, but it is .  Shake It Off got people talking about the album and about Taylor's new style of music.  Shake It Off introduced people to what pop!Taylor would sound like and got people excited .  Out of the Woods is the song that Tayl...

I know you know the song "Jessie's Girl" by Rick Springfield.  It's an 80's song, but everyone knows it.  It was originally released in 1981 (and re-released in 1999 as an acoustic version on Springfield's "Karma" album) and instantly shot to the top spot on Billboard's hot 100, where it remained for only two weeks.  The song remains popular today, and was somewhat recently on one of the Now That's What I Call The 80's cds. On the complete off chance that you don't know the song, it's an upbeat pop song about a guy longing for a woman just like his best friend's girl.  Actually, he wants his best friend's girl, not just someone like her.  But he also gets that she is with his best friend and respects that enough to try to find "a woman like that" instead of trying to be a jerk and steal his best friend's girl. Now, we need to talk about something.  We need to talk about Mary Lambert's cover of the son...

She said "I want us to stay friends." I said "I don't want us to stop talking to each other." She said "No, no, we won't." I said "But I don't talk to Darius or Steven or anyone I've been with anymore.  I mean, Steven and I were never really.. but.. I don't want that to happen to us." She said promised "It won't." She said lied "I really want us to stay friends." A month went by. I said "I miss you." She said "Me too." I said "So how's life been?" She never answered. And for some reason, that hurt so much more than breaking up did.  I believed her.  I really, honestly believed her when she said she wanted to stay friends... but I guess it was just a lie.  I thought we could make friends work, but a friendship doesn't work when only one of the two actually wants to make it work and actually puts in an effort to try to make friendship work.  I ...

One summer around fifth grade, I don't remember if it was the summer before or after, my best friend since second grade introduced me to her other best friend.  She lived just down the road from where I lived and just a couple of houses up the street from where my grandparents lived, so it was weird that we had never met before.  Maybe not so weird though - while I went to public school, she went to a private school a bit further away.  My best friend's brother was best friends with her brother, so that's how the two of them met.  We met that summer, either before or after fifth grade, and all I remember thinking is that she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my entire life. By fifth grade, I knew what it meant to be gay.  By fifth grade, I was almost completely sure that I was... and I was so, so, so scared that someone - anyone  - would find out.  I was overly "boy crazy" because I was scared that if I wasn't, people might start to thin...

In the four years I've been writing on here, I've never once written about September 11th.  I never really... felt the need to.  I understand the importance of remembrance and of honoring those who lost their lives that day, but it's never occurred to me to write about it. When I was still at Columbia Greene, I took a class with a professor who asked us where we were on September 11th, 2001 - asked us what we were doing that day - then quickly retracted her question, saying all of us in that class were too young to remember where we were or what we were doing.  She was wrong.  Most of us there were about the same age and had been in either fourth, fifth, or sixth grade in September of 2001.  At the very youngest, someone in that class would have been 8, just about 9, years old in September of 2001. Me?  I was 9 in September 2001.  I turned 10 in October.  Contrary to what that teacher believed, I do remember where I was and what I was doing. ...

Ten days from now, it will be exactly one year since the last time I talked to my dad. September 19th, 2013. And less than two weeks from that, it will be exactly one year since he died.  How has it been nearly a year already?  How is it that a year has gone by?  It's been (10 days short of) a year since I talked to him. People say that time heals all wounds, but time hasn't healed that fact that I haven't forgiven myself for not saying "I love you" when we hung up the phone that last time.  I can't.  I mean, I should, and I know  I should, but how can I?  I didn't say I love you.  I was mad at him when we hung up the phone.  And I can't change that.  I can't go back in time and say what I should have said.  I can't fix this. I don't want September 19th to come. I don't want October 1st or 2nd to come. I just want my dad back.

Summer 2014 flew by in the blink of an eye.  I'm going to the fair on Saturday, and that's - I guess - the unofficial end of summer.  (Side note: I'm SUPER excited to go to the fair because I'm going with my friends, Caitlin and Christina, who I haven't seen or hung out with since before going to Australia.) And on that note, I still  can't believe I actually went to Australia!  It happened, but it still feels like a dream I'm going to wake up from at any moment now. You know, I really wanted to write tonight, but now that I'm actually sitting here with this page open, I have no idea what to write about. Do I write about the fact that Sarah and I broke up?  Because we did.  About a week and a half ago, when I was down at her house visiting her.  I saw it coming.  I actually thought about writing a post about feeling the person you have feelings for slip away.  I knew what I was going to say.  I had a post all planned out in my mind...

I decided I want to take steps to a healthier me.  I know I'm skinny, so it's not about losing weight.  It's completely about the fact that I am ridiculously and embarrassingly out of shape.  So I decided I want to start running, but I needed some sort of motivation to keep  running.  I bought and downloaded the "Zombies, Run!" app for the iPhone because, well, what better motivation for running than surviving a zombie apocalypse? Today was my first day of running (and of using the app).  I walked over to the track by my house and walked/ran for a total of 53 minutes.  I walked for most of the time, but I ran for a bit too.  Every time I ran, even though I only ran for short distances, I had to stop for a good minute to minute and a half to catch my breath again.  But I didn't give up.  I kept going.  And for that alone, I'm proud of myself.  I know that if I keep up with this, I will eventually be able to run more than walk ...

Well it took what felt like forever, but I finally finished my final project for my study abroad class.  For my project, I made an alphabet book showing different things I did/saw in Australia.  (I know I "cheated" a bit on the letter V, but I was stuck there...) Click here to view this photo book larger Visit Shutterfly.com to create your own personalized photobook .

It's so weird to think that less than a month from now, most of my friends from Potsdam will be back up there... and I won't.  I plan on going up and visiting a few times - the drag show, the Pride parade if they do that again, my girlfriend's formal for her sorority - but as a student, I'm done there.  And that is so, so, so crazy.  Five years in college, and now I'm (nearly) done. Nearly?  Yeah... I have to take a stupid world history class - a 100 level class - before I can get my diploma.  A freaking 100 level class is keeping me from officially graduating.  Thanks, Potsdam!  I'm taking it online this fall.  So even though I've already walked across the stage, I don't technically graduate until December of this year.  And I've REALLY got to start looking at grad school, but I don't even know what I want to get my master's in!  I've been saying I want to get my master's in special education, but that's solely because I've...

Dear you, I'm not writing your name, yet I can't entirely pick a reason as to why not.  Part of me wants it to be so no one knows this is about you, but I've written on here about you before, so I suppose it wouldn't be that hard to figure it out.  And people who know me in real life, people who I either was or still am friends with, who were our mutual friends even though I was always (more than) slightly convinced they were simply your  friends who merely tolerated me, they'll know.  It sounds so dumb to say, I know, but I was surprised when I remained friends with some of them after we fell apart.  It was my fault.  It must have been, because the same thing happened at Potsdam with a different guy.  No, not the same.  Not exactly.  I never kissed you.  And I was never afraid of him.  Even after he and I fell apart, I never suddenly couldn't breathe because I thought I saw him.  He was never the one I was hiding from in my ...

Dad, Can I be honest for just one minute?  Honest with you.  Honest with myself.  Honest with whoever is reading this.  What I'm going to say isn't easy to say, but I feel like - I really feel like - I need to say it. Dad... sometimes... I try to forget.  And sometimes, it's so easy to do.  Sometimes I just tell myself that you're busy and that's why it's been so long since we talked.  Sometimes I dream that I talked to you recently, and I try to convince myself it was real life so I can keep on trying to forget.  It sounds bad to say, but I think I spent more time on the phone with you than I did with you.  And so I try to pretend that we both are just so busy with our lives that we just haven't had the time to call each other.  I still half expect my phone to ring sometimes at night, when you would have gotten home from work, or in the middle of the day, when you would be getting lunch, and for you to be on the other end when I ans...

Dad, I want to completely avoid Father's Day this year.  Is that bad of me?  I want to avoid it.  To forget about it.  For it to be just any other day.  I don't want dinner with Pop or Uncle Farhan or Pete.  I just want... that day to not be here.  Is that selfish?  I'm so sorry.  I don't want to be selfish.  But at the same time, I don't want to face a Father's Day without you.  I don't want to not be able to call you and hear your voice. As the day gets closer, I'm realizing that it's going to be harder than I thought it would be to avoid it.  There's still three weeks until that day, and just tonight, I saw two facebook statuses about it.  God, as it gets closer, there's just going to be more.  The Father's Day displays are up in the stores.  Am I supposed to just completely avoid Walmart? I don't want to hear people telling other people "Happy Father's Day!"  I don't want to say it to Pop or Pete o...

I had no interest in walking the stage at graduation. I would have been perfectly happy to simply get my diploma in the mail -- that's what happens anyway, you don't get your diploma when you walk across the stage. They mail it to you after the fact. A huge part of the reason I did is because I know my dad wanted me to. At my high school graduation Walking to where all the graduates were supposed to meet on the morning of graduation, I was thinking about how nice it was that everyone was up for the graduation. I was thinking about how great it was going to be to see Cody and Hailey, and my step-mom and my dad and... wait... no... And then there were tears. In my cap and gown, cold in the 40-ish degree weather, tears formed in my eyes and threatened to fall down my face and ruin the make-up my best friend had done for me. Oh, please, please do not cry right now! I begged of myself. I stopped and took a minute to breathe. I looked up at the clear blue sky, and kne...

Today, I completed a journey in my life.  A journey that took 5 years (2 at a community college, then 3 at SUNY Potsdam).  Today, May 18th, 2014, I graduated Magna Cum Laude (a 3.73 GPA) from SUNY Potsdam, with a Bachelor's degree in Childhood/Early Childhood Education. The three years at Potsdam were three of the best years of my life.  I had an amazing time at that college, and I am so glad I chose to go there to get my degree. The next step in my life?  I have honestly no idea.  After months of consideration, I chose to take a year off of school before going on to obtain my Master's degree.  I want to get my Master's in Special Education, and while I am looking at several different schools, I am very interested in SUNY Oneonta.  But this year that I won't be in school?  I have no idea what I will be doing with this year.  I think I am going to apply to be a substitute in my local school district so that I have more time in the class...

I am dating a girl.  A wonderful, fantastic girl who I adore.  We've been together for just about two months now.  So... why haven't I said anything about her on here before?  Truth is... I was scared.  But scared of what?  Why should I be afraid?  Why should I hide something some one  who makes me so incredibly happy?  Truth is... I shouldn't. I love spending time with her.  I love being around her.  I love her smile and her laugh.  I love talking to her and cuddling with her.  Back a few months ago, when I had a slightly-more-than-friends sort of thing going on with another friend of mine, I was so confused because when we and I kissed, I never got that "first kiss" feeling you read about and see in the movies.  You know the feeling I mean - the way Hollywood and young adult authors describe that first kiss.  They make you think it's supposed to be magical.  It's supposed to feel electrifying.  ...

Last semester for Block II, I was in a fourth grade class.  I absolutely LOVED it, and had a fantastic time with those munchkins.  I started my second placement of student teaching today -- back with my wonderful fourth graders. I honestly couldn't be happier to be back with these kids.  I had such a great time in their classroom when I was there last semester, and when I found out that I would definitely be doing placement 2 in that same classroom, I was so glad and so excited.  In the four months it's been since I last saw them, I feel like they've grown up so much.  Back in November, there was ONE student who I was just about an inch taller than.  Now, there are two who are taller than me.  It's not just height though; some of them physically LOOK older.  I'm just here like "wait a minute, you guys are still babies.  Why are you growing up? And why so fast??"  I'm wondering, though, if they've matured any and how their behavior will...

It’s been five months, thirteen days Since it happened. Five months, twelve days Since I found out. Five months, five days Since your funeral. And five months, twenty-three days Since the last time I ever heard your voice, The last time I ever spoke to you And heard you speak back. Five months, twenty-three days. And I still hate myself Because I can’t remember if I said “I love you” or not When we hung up the phone That very last time. Five months, thirteen days. And I still hate the fact that that day, So completely, mind-shatteringly awful, Was so completely normal for me. I was in class when it happened. Five months, twelve days. And I can still hear Mom’s voice, waking me at two in the morning, Telling me what happened And I can still feel the way I felt inside when I burst into tears That I didn’t think would ever stop falling. Five months, five days. And I’m still sorry that I was so afraid To go up to your coffin. ...

It's pretty well known at this point that I am SUPER excited for this summer!  On June 23rd, I will be leaving to head to Australia until July 14th.  We had our first (of three) class meetings for the study abroad class on last Sunday and learned more about where we will be going and what we will be doing while in Australia.  The total flight time is going to be just about 20 hours (6 to 7 to fly from New York to Los Angeles, and then 13 to fly from Los Angeles to where we will be in Australia). Our first week there, we will be staying in Mooloolaba.  We're going to visit the Steve Irwin Zoo and Underwater World.  We're going to have a day tour of the Sunshine Coast, as well as going to the mall because our teacher for the course wants us to see how malls in Australia are different from malls in the US.  We're also going to have a day to spend on the beach! During the rest of our trip, we are going to go to Emu Park and Magnetic Island.  We'll see ...

My first placement of student teaching starts tomorrow, and to say I'm a little bit nervous is more than a little bit of an understatement. I'm basically trying not to think about the fact that 14 hours from now, I'll be in the classroom.  I think I'm only nervous because I haven't been with this grade, this age, before.  I don't know what second graders are like.  This first week, I'm mostly just doing observation and seeing how my mentor teacher teaches, and then next week, I'll start taking over some of the teaching responsibility. I don't know what to wear!  Do I wear a dress and leggings?  A long sweater and jeggings?  Dress pants and a sweater?  And which pair of shoes should I wear? Why am I so nervous?  This is ridiculous!  It's not like I've never been in the classroom before.  I have experience with kindergarten, first grade, and fourth grade.  I've taught lessons (in first and fourth grades).  I've had solo day...

Today I met my sponsor teacher for my first placement of student teaching.  I was nervous, but it turns out I had NOTHING to be nervous about.  She is just the nicest person, and I am truly going to enjoy working in her classroom.  I've only met the teacher so far, not the students - I meet them on Tuesday, a week from today, when placement starts - and I already know I am going to have a wonderful time during this placement. I also cannot WAIT until March, when I return back to my fourth graders.  I emailed my sponsor teacher for placement 2 this morning to say how glad I am to be returning to his classroom, and he emailed me back not long after, saying that the kids can't wait until I'm back with them again.  Do you even know how good that made me feel? Tomorrow begins three days of seminar, starting at 8:30 in the morning.  I'm actually excited about it, but mostly just because it's another day closer to me being back in the classroom again.

I'm heading back to Potsdam tomorrow.  I'm taking a Trailways bus, so what is normally a four and a half hour drive is going to be around eight hours.  Please just kill me now.  I'm making sure my kindle, Nintendo 3DS, and iPod all have full charges.  Hopefully that will keep my mind occupied on the ride up there. January 13th - Back to Potsdam. January 14th - meeting my sponsor teacher for student teaching for the first time. January 15th, 16th, and 17th - Student teaching seminar January 21st - My first day as a student teacher! I start student teaching in JUST over a week.  That's CRAZY.  How is this possible?  Didn't I just graduate high school, like, a month ago?  (Or, you know, almost five years ago...) I'm a bit nervous about student teaching, but I know it will go well.  I'm always nervous beforehand, but once I'm there, it's fine.  I'm sure that meeting my sponsor teacher will make me less nervous.  I hope meeti...

Back in October, when I was in Alabama for my dad's funeral, I met my godfather for (basically) the first time.  Before October, the last time I had seen him was when I was still a toddler, so I really don't remember having known him before.  He was one of my dad's best friends and I'm so glad that I met him (although I wish the circumstance had been different).  I wish he had been in my life while I was growing up, but he still lives out in California and I haven't lived there since I was only a few months old.  Even though I've only met him once (not counting when I was a baby/toddler), and only spent a couple of hours with him, I know that I can text, email, or call him if I need anything.  As I told my mom several times down in Alabama, my parents did a good job picking him as my godfather. Since October, I've had good days, but I've also had bad days.  And really bad days.  I don't know what it is exactly that makes one day easier or harder th...

If you know me, you know the title of this post is a reference to more than just a color.  It's a reference to a Taylor Swift album.  More than just that, it's a reference to a whole spectrum of emotion.  Red is anger and passion.  Red is the hate you feel towards someone, a hate so strong you know it could only come as a result of having loved that person, so by association, red is love.  Red is the color of your cheeks after you've kissed for the first time and the color of the nail polish you wear when you want to stand out.  Red is fast and red is furious.  Red is intense and in your face.  It's not soft and it's not backing down.  Red is confidence, so much more so than black. The album Red is, overall, about a "crash-and-burn heartbreak," according to Taylor.  I find myself able to relate, very much at the moment, to this.  My heartbreak didn't come from the ending of a relationship, but rather a close friendship.  I of...