Adventures of a Shockingly Average 30-Something

For my final for Integrated Literacy and Science Methods, I had to do a group project called "Where Are The Books?"  We had to create a lesson plan incorporating literacy and science, with extension activities for math and social studies, find 18 books (each) about a given topic, choose 10 (of our total number) books to display for our project, and create a poster display for when we present at "Where Are The Books?" on Wednesday during finals week (this week). My group and I spent 2 and a half hours on Thursday working on our poster, then another six and a half hours yesterday, and we're nearly  finished with it at this point.  We're meeting again tomorrow, and I think tomorrow is going to take maybe 45 minutes-an hour, and then we'll be finished with our poster.  And then we have to finish the lesson plan.  And then (after we present) we have to write a reflection paper about creating and presenting everything. Because I'm ridiculously proud of...

I don't know how to be fine when I'm not.  I don't know how to be ok.  I try.  I try so hard to act like everything's ok, when the honest truth is that it isn't.  I'm not ok.  I'm not fine.  I'm really, really not.  I miss my dad so much all the time.  I just want to hear his voice one more time.  I want to apologize for the fact that we argued the last time we talked.  I want him to know I still loved him even though I was mad at him.  Everyone keeps telling me that it's not a big deal that we argued and that I was mad at him, but to me, it is .  People keep saying that if things hadn't happened, the argument would have been completely forgotten about - and they're probably right, but that's not the way it happened.  And I would have talked to him on my birthday, but instead I spent my birthday in the car on the way back home to New York, the day after the funeral and the burial.  I should have seen him at Christmast...

Happy birthday Dad. I wanted to make this big, long post, but now that I'm typing this, I don't know what to say.  I miss you.  I wish I could call you and hear your voice again.  I wish I could tell you happy birthday over the phone or on skype. Part of me is angry that I can't, but it's stupid to be angry.  Isn't it?  What happened wasn't anyone's fault.  There's nothing and no one to be angry at.  But I am.  I know I've said it some many times, but it's not fair.  It's not fair that Nikki and I can't call you.  It's not fair to Cody and Hailey that you're not there anymore.  It's not fair that you died.  None of it's fair.  I hate myself every single day for the fact that the last time we ever talked, we argued.  I hate myself every single day because I can't remember if I told you "love you" the last time I hung up the phone with you.  I wish I could have a do-over.  Just to redo that conversation an...

With Thanksgiving approaching in just a couple short days, I suppose I ought to think and figure out what I'm thankful for this year. So, what am  I thankful for this year? The first thing that comes immediately to my mind is my time in the classroom.  I spent twelve days in a fourth grade classroom with 11 amazing nine and ten year olds.  It was a truly amazing experience, and I am so glad I had the opportunity to be in their classroom.  These kids made me feel so old at times.  They were so  frustrating with the fact that they never  seemed to have a pencil when they needed one.  Being quiet in the hallway was pure torture for them, and doing independent reading was worse than walking in the hallway.  And I'm pretty sure the sentence I repeated the most while I was there was "Your shoes need to be tied."  Well either that or "I hear too many voices!  I shouldn't be hearing your voice right now."  But honestly, I wouldn't ...

My time with my 4th graders is far too quickly coming to an end.  This Tuesday (November 26th) is my last day with them.  Twelve days (Tuesdays and Thursdays for 6 weeks) flew by in the blink of an eye, and even though being with them has made me even more sure than I was before about the fact that I don't want to teach older students, I really am going to miss these kids. I usually post conversations I have with my students as my facebook status, but my friends are always telling me I need to put them all in one place.  So.  Without further ado, a few Conversations With My Students: ---------------------------------- Student: "Are you SURE you're in your twenties?  I'm taller than you..." ---------------------------------- Two of the boys in my 4th grade class are, when they're together, trouble makers/pranksters and if they're near each other, that's not really a good thing for the teacher. I'm walking the class back from music this aft...

Oh hey there! So now that I've officially been accepted to the study abroad course for this summer, I'll be sharing the link to my page on GoFundMe. http://www.gofundme.com/562lyw If you have extra money and would like to donate it to help me to be able to afford to go this summer, I would really appreciate it so so SO much!! The trip is $6,103, but then I also need to get my passport ($135) and bring money (~$700) for miscellaneous expenses, which brings the total up to just about $7,000. My goal on GoFundMe is only $3,000 because I’ve applied for scholarships for this class/trip and am doing other things to raise money as well.

If there's one thing I'm absolutely a pro  at, it's procrastinating.  I had an obscene amount of homework to get done today (six lesson plans - 4 for a project and 2 for my fourth graders - and other homework as well).  I know myself, and I know that when I'm on the computer, I'm on facebook.  Being on facebook is not exactly being productive, so I needed a way to avoid facebook while still being able to be online to do research for my lessons and to be on the website I have to type my lessons up on. Since I use Google Chrome, I added on an extension called Stay Focused, thinking that surely this would make a world of difference to me.  I was certain that I would get my lessons done without the distraction of facebook.  I set it to block facebook for me for two hours, with no doubt in my mind that I would be unbelievably productive during those two hours. Nope. As soon as I realized I couldn't get on facebook, I got off the computer.  I did ...

Do you know what frustrates me to no end?  Family members who are suddenly acting as if I haven't thought about literally everything  about going to Australia this summer.  Mostly the financial situation.  The constant question of "well how are you going to afford it?" and the sudden "I don't think you've actually thought this through completely..." YES I HAVE.  I've been thinking about this since I first came to Potsdam. I KNOW it's expensive.  Don't they realize I know it's expensive?  Don't they realize that's why I applied for scholarships?  Don't they realize that's why I've been collecting the cans/bottles to return?  Don't they understand that's why I want to do one of the Hershey bar fundraisers?  I have  thought about it.  I've been thinking about it all for, literally, years now.  Why, all of the sudden, am I being criticized by them for this? They know how badly I want this.  They know how ...

My group for one of the classes I'm taking this semester (Creative and Sensory Experiences for Young Children from Birth - 2nd Grade.  How's that for a class name??) made a recycle monster for our creature project for the class.  We named him King Jeffrey, and you can read my first post about him by clicking here. We presented King Jeffrey to the kids at the daycare on campus today.  We presented in the Preschool-4 room (to four year olds who aren't in kindergarten yet).  It went SO well!  The kids loved our story about King Jeffrey and were really into it.  They absolutely loved  getting to feed the king cans and bottles. Being with the younger kids... that's where I'm most in my element.  That's the grade/level I want to teach at.  PreK, kindergarten, or first grade.  Seriously, first at the absolute oldest.  Don't get me wrong, I love my fourth graders and I'm having a good experience in the fourth grade... but it's not where...

So remember how I'd said don't laugh about how I'm collecting bottles to return to help save money so I can afford to go to Australia this summer? It really does add up.  I mean, I'm not thinking I'd get $6,000 with bottles.  Now that  you could laugh at. But I had $26 from bottles over the summer, and then my mom returned another $15 worth while I've been at school.  And then up here at school, my roommate and I are saving them, and I've got a few friends who are saving them for me right now as well.  Last time I returned bottles, I got $10.45, but that was before I knew I was going to Australia, so my roommate and I spent most of that on food to cook.  We have $2.55 left of that.  And then I have $5.40 worth of bottles in our room right now to return once I can find a ride out to walmart.  That's nearly $50.00 JUST from returning cans and bottles.  That's crazy. So no, it's not $6,000.  It's not even the $500 payment I need to m...

... And this summer, I will! When, on Wednesday, I met with the two people in charge Potsdam's end of the Student Teaching in Australia program that Potsdam does with Cortland, they told me that their decision about my application was that they were on the fence about making a decision.  They told me that my written materials were great, but when I interviewed with them, I didn't appear that I was ready to student teach in a cross cultural context.  I have a very strong feeling that their decision was going to be a "no" because they were giving me a whole bunch of information about another program where I would still be able to go to Australia, but not to student teach there.  This other program is just a study abroad program, where I would go to Australia with a small group of other Potsdam students. I spent most of the next few days thinking about Australia, and weighing the pros and cons of the two different programs.  With one program, I would be over there n...

Halloween - my favorite holiday! At the school that I'm at for placement, Halloween is the principal's favorite holiday.  So, naturally, the school goes pretty all out for Halloween.  The teachers and student teachers are allowed to dress up, so I spent my day as Rapunzel from Tangled (she has short hair at the end of the movie!).  My fourth graders loved my costume, and I loved theirs.  I had a ninja, an army man, Little Red Riding Hood as a murderer, two of those Scream things, a pretty little kitty cat, and others.  Because my kids are in the fourth grade, they didn't get to participate in the Goblin Parade (that's for students in PreK - third grade), so we watched the younger kids parade around the school in their costumes, and oohed and ahhed over the cuteness.  Maybe it's because I'm getting used to being around fourth graders, but oh my goodness the PreK and Kindergarten little ones were SO itty-bitty!! After we finished watching the Goblin Parad...

Dad, How do you say the right thing when there isn't a right thing to say?  Why did you have to leave?  I miss you.  Nikki misses you.  Cody and Hailey miss you.  We all do.  When Nikki called me tonight in tears, I didn't know what to say to her.  I just want to make it better for her.  I want her to be ok.  I wish I could be with her right now, just so I could hug her and just be there for her.  I wish, I wish so so badly there was something I could say to her that would make all of this go away.  I wish I could somehow go back in time and stop your death from happening.  What do I tell her?  What's the right thing to say?  I don't think there is a right thing to say, so I just listened.  All I knew to do was to listen to her, and so that's what I did. I don't understand any of this, Dad. I just want you back. It's not fair.  Why?  Why did this happen?  I just want to see you again. ...

Can I just say how much I absolutely LOVE teaching? I'm in a 4th grade classroom this semester for placement.  My first day was on the 17th, and it really wasn't that great to be totally honest.  But that first day was also kind of a weird day.  The kids had a field trip in the morning and then, later in the day, had to sit through a presentation about why they shouldn't do drugs.  It wasn't a normal school day for them, so I really shouldn't have expected that their behavior would be their normal behavior. Today was fantastic.  I did the fluency activity for math (the times tables for 6's and 7's) with two fourth grade classes (the class I'm in and the class that my mentor teacher team-teaches with), so 22 students.  Twenty-two 8-10 year olds.  And do you know what?  I wasn't nervous.  I was completely unprepared, but was ready to jump in and be in the front of the classroom. Being in the classroom as got to be one of my favorite place...

Dad, you always told me that if I ever got a tattoo, it had to mean something.  This does.

Dad, First let me tell you how much I love you.  I love you, Daddy.  I'm so sorry that the last time we ever talked on the phone, we argued again.  I'm so sorry that I was mad at you when we hung up the phone for the last time.  I wish I could go back and change that.  You know, I don't remember if I even said "I love you" when we hung up for the last time.  But I do.  And I really hope that you know that. When Mom showed up at my dorm room at two in the morning on Wednesday, October 2nd, I was so confused.  My roommate answered the door.  I looked up and saw Mom, and my only thought was "what is my mom doing here?  I must be dreaming." and pulled the covers back up over my head.  "It's for you," my roommate said, and I sat up, still not entirely sure if I was dreaming or not. Dad, you were my last thought that morning because I didn't think anything truly bad would ever happen to you.  I never thought something would ha...

I'm taking a class this semester called "Creative and Sensory Experiences for Young Children."  Our big project for the semester is one where we work with a group to create a creature that we could design an entire unit on.  We have to create a story about our creature and come up with math, science, social studies, and literacy lesson ideas that somehow incorporate the creature. My group created a "Recycle Monster" that we named King Jeffery the Fourth.  He is the king of Recycle-topia, where everyone LOVES to recycle!  BUT!  Poor King Jeffery, because lately people have been feeding Mr. Trash all of King Jeffery's favorite foods (cans and bottles).  To make the king happy again, we have to feed him his favorite foods instead of giving them to Mr. Trash. The picture came out blurry, but here I was painting the cardboard box we used for his head.  We painted with sponges, paint brushes, and our hands. We used a copy of our school newsp...

I'm one step closer to achieving my dream.  I'm one step closer to student teaching in Australia. I've completed nearly everything for the application process.  I'm waiting on one of my teachers to turn in a letter of recommendation.  After that teacher turns that in for me, I just have to (in this order): 1. See my advisor so she can sign my application. 2. See the 2 people in charge of "School Partnerships and Teacher Certification" so they can sign my application. 3. Turn in my application. 4. Wait. This is going to happen.  I can feel it.  I've worked too hard for things to not happen.

People who know me know that I am not a religious person.  I don't believe in any sort of God, and in general I tend to be rather distrusting of religion.  How can you believe in something if there's no tangible evidence of its existence?  I'm almost sort of jealous of people who unquestioningly believe in some sort of higher power, because I can't do that.  I'm not denying the existence of any God; I'm simply saying that I personally don't believe in one.  If you believe in God, any God, cool.  If you don't, also cool.  I'm not trying to get into a religious argument; maybe someday, I might find a religion I agree with.  Maybe someday, I might identify myself with some sort of religion.  I don't know. But it's things like what happened today that make me question the existence of a higher... something. I've written before about how I do  believe that there are signs pointing us in the right direction and telling us where we're su...

Remember how last semester I spent four weeks in a first grade classroom?  This semester, I'll be spending six weeks in a fourth grade classroom. I found out my placement earlier today - fourth grade - and I'm so excited! I thought I would feel nervous, you know, about being with (slightly) older students.  They're going to be a lot older than my first graders.  I thought I would be nervous, completely freaking out, but I'm not.  Maybe it's because I know I still have a month before I'll be in the classroom.  Maybe being in the classroom last semester has given me more confidence.  Maybe I'm more comfortable with myself right now than I have been in the past.  Maybe I've grown up some. Even though I don't want to work with older students, having the opportunity to will only be beneficial.  When I student teach, I don't know what grade I will be placed in.  If I get a job subbing for a school district, I don't know what grade I will end ...

I've been thinking about grad school.  I've come to the (terrifying) realization that I have no idea what I want to get my Master's Degree in, and also no idea as to where I want to go. The only thing I'm completely one-hundred percent sure of is that I don't want to stay at Potsdam.  I love this school so much.  I love the people here.  I love the whole atmosphere of the school.  I feel safe here.  There's so much about being here that I love, but at the same time... I've been screwed over again and again and again here, and I'm sick and tired of it.  So, as much as I love it here and as much as I've grown as a person here, I honestly feel like the best thing to do right now (well not RIGHT NOW, but after this year) is to leave. But what do I do after I leave?  That's the point I'm at right now. I thought about joining the Peace Corps, but I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I think I want to stay in New York because I don't w...

I've been back up at Potsdam for a week now.  I was up early for the annual Student Leadership Conference, and classes start back up tomorrow. I was nervous about coming back for the conference, but then I found out that some people who I already knew (and was friends with) would be up here for that as well.  I moved into my dorm room, which is a triple, last Sunday (the 18th), and then the first conference event was on Monday the 19th.  The events on Monday were mostly getting-to-know-each-other sort of activities, but they were a lot of fun.  We were broken into five different groups.  Even though I knew one of the people in my group, I didn't stick with him the entire time.  I was talking to, and getting to know, people who I didn't know and who I had seen around campus, but had never talked to before.  It was really good, and really fun. Tuesday started off with all of us together, listening to a presentation on leadership styles - the Mandala ...

The curtain closes on yet another summer.  I'm headed back up to school tomorrow morning.  Hopefully, we'll be on the road by 6 in the morning -- it's a 4 and a half hour car ride!  (Five hours if there's traffic, four if you drive fast). I'm really looking forward to being back at school, not only to see my friends again and to be going to the clubs I'm in again and everything, but also because I'll be back in the classroom again.  Last semester, I spent 8 days (Tuesdays and Thursday for 4 weeks) in a first grade classroom and LOVED it so much.  This semester, I'll be in either a 3rd, 4th, 5th, or 6th grade classroom.  I'll be honest: I'm nervous about being in a classroom with older children, but I'm so excited at the same time.  I loved my time in the classroom last semester, and I just know I will love it this semester as well. Next semester (Spring 2014) I'll be student teaching!  I can't believe I'm this close to bein...

If you were curious as to how the cupcakes looked once they were finished (as in, with the chocolate on top), here's your answer: I'm really really pleased with the way they came out.  And if you were wondering how they tasted (no really, someone asked me if they would taste different because of the food coloring), they tasted like just normal cupcakes made with white cake mix (the food coloring doesn't affect the taste). I had thought about making the frosting purple so the rainbow would still have the purple on the top, but chose to stick with white because (a) the white frosting is like a cloud.  Rainbows and clouds.  It works.  and (b) I figured the chocolate designs would look better on a white background than a purple one. In other (non-cupcake related) news, 13 days until I go back to school and I cannot wait!

Nikki's 19th birthday is on August 6th, and my 22nd birthday is October 10th.  I'm not coming home for my birthday (because it's $90 for a round trip bus ticket, and I don't want to spend that), so I'm going to spend it with some of my friends.  Actually, I'll be spending the few days after  my birthday with them because my birthday is on a Thursday (ew. Seriously? Who has a birthday on a Thursday?) and I'll be in class all day (also ew. Who has class on their birthday?). But anyway.  Mom and Pete are throwing Nikki and I both a birthday party tomorrow night.  I wanted to make cupcakes, and I wanted to try making rainbow cupcakes.  So this is what I did all morning: Picture credit goes to my lovely sister, Nikki. It was surprisingly simple to do, but VERY time consuming.  If I had known it would take me two hours to make 16 cupcakes, I probably wouldn't have done it.  (I lied.  I probably actually would have done it still).  I st...

Dear Candis, I don't even know how long it's been since I've "written" to you on here.  I don't want to get my hopes up because nothing is set in stone yet, but I might get to see you again some time this summer!  I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I can't help it.  It's been two and a half years since you and your mommy moved away. It's been two and a half years since the last time I saw you.  And a lot has happened in those two years -- mostly the fact that you've grown up!  Mommy uploads pictures of you on her facebook page, and I see how grown up you've gotten, but I still think of you as the tiny almost-two-year-old you were the last time I saw you.  I guess I've grown up a bit since then too - I'll be 22 in October - but growing up from 19 to 21 isn't as big a difference as growing up from 2 to 4 is. I really hope things work out, and that you guys do get to come up for a few days.  I'm so excited to see yo...

Based on some things my grandma said to me today, I'm pretty sure she knows the link to this blog and, knowing her, she probably has it bookmarked on her computer, despite the fact that I wish she didn't. I know I don't post that much lately anyway, but I think I'm going to start posting less.  And the posts I do post are going to be a lot less personal.  For a while anyway.  Here's the thing.  I know  it's a blog and it's on the internet, and anyone  could be reading it.  But I'd rather have complete strangers reading it than having close family members reading it.  So as much as I love this blog, and as much as I love writing on here, I'm done for now.  It's been a good three years, but if my family members can't accept - and respect - the fact that I don't want them reading this , then... Bye, I guess.

So.  Remember that time I was writing a book?  No?  That's alright, it's been a while since I've talked about it on here. Here's something REALLY exciting: I FINISHED IT! That book, that one I've been working on since I was 17 and gave up on so many times but kept going back to it because I kept having new ideas for it.  That book I loved and hated and wanted, at times, to just delete the whole thing because it frustrated me that much.  The book that my computer decided, once, before I had it kept on my flashdrive, to delete completely - to the point where it wasn't even in the recycle bin - and I cried and cried and cried and posted on facebook about how upset I was and someone recommended that I try to use Recuva to get it back, and it worked and I cried tears of happiness and I couldn't even explain how happy I was to have it back. Yeah, that book. I finished it. I finished writing a book. You know that girl who doesn't ever finish anyth...

I've come to the conclusion that it's not the school part of school that I miss, it's the people. The plain and simple fact is that I don't fit in here, at home. I've got literally two friends here, and I love them but we really have grown so far apart in the past couple of years. Things are different when we hang out now, and I don't know how to explain it. I miss my Potsdam friends. I haven't known any of them as long as I've known my friends here, but that doesn't mean a thing. I'm so much closer with them. I feel like I can be so completely and totally 100% myself when I am with them. And I can be myself with my friends here too, but it's harder to be. I'm closer to my Potsdam friends; I'm so much more comfortable with them. And, to my friends from here, if you're reading this, I'm not saying this to be mean or to hurt you or anything so please don't take it that way. I miss being just a text message awa...