Ok so school can start up again. Like now.

All I want is to be back at school. Is that too much to ask for? Really? Because I'm just counting down the days until I'll be back there. 12 days. But today's almost over, so it's kind of like 11 days. I miss it there. There feels like home, and what's sad is that home doesn't. I hate being here. My spirit is slowly being crushed and I can't take it.

Here, everyone's just always annoyed at me. I'm in the way. I can't do anything right. If I ask a question, people respond back with sarcastic answers and just roll their eyes at me. Just about everything ends with an argument. I can't get people to laugh, all people think of me is that I'm weirder than I actually am.

And look, I know I'm weird. I like being weird. I like being different. But sometimes, I feel like my brain just doesn't work right. I don't think about things the way other people say they do. In psych, when we were learning about the stages of development you go through in childhood, so much of the 5-7 year old cognitive and socio-emotional stuff (eager to learn new things, wants to please others, asks a lot of questions, likes making people laugh, needs approval/praise/reassurance, easily disappointed and frustrated with failure, is "eagerly" cooperative, follows the rules/is nervous about breaking rules..) I was like "...but that's me. And I'm 20." And when I told my mom that, her only response was "Just don't tell people that." But why not? If that's who I am, then why shouldn't people know that part of me too? I find things interesting that other people just don't care about. I sit around and read news stories because I find them interesting. I can read the same book over and over again without getting tired of it, or watch the same movie over and over again once it's just ended, and not get tired of it. Things that other people see as stupid, I think is funny. And the opposite of that is true too. I get nervous or freaked out or whatever when I'm around a lot of people, especially if they're people I don't know or people who I don't know very well. If I'm going into a new situation or talking to someone I don't know, I need someone I know by my side to basically reassure me that it's all ok. I obsess over little things in the back of my mind forever, and my brain just won't let go of them. It bothers me when things aren't in order, but I try so so so hard to just ignore that. I like things to stay the same and not change. Like, routine, you know? I want things to always be predictable. I want to know what's going to happen next. I get more lost in music than anyone else I know. And I'm easily distracted by little things like a laser pointer or someone swinging their keys back and forth, and on my mind, that little thing is the only thing that matters. I'll be in the middle of a conversation with someone, and someone else will start swinging their keys back and forth, and I'm gone. I'm in my own world or something, and the only thing in the world is those keys. And I just watch them go back and forth and whatever the conversation was about is just not important to me anymore... until the keys are gone. And then, it takes a second or two, but then I'm back. Stuff like that. My brain doesn't work right sometimes, and I hate that because I don't understand it. It frustrates me so much because I just want to be normal, you know? I don't want to be so easily distracted. I don't want people to see the way I act as always just that of a 5-7 year old. I don't want to want things to always be so predictable. But the thing is that I do. And I can't change that. I just wish I could understand it. That's all.

You wanna know why I love animals more than people? Because animals don't care if your brain works weirdly. Animals don't tell you "just don't tell anyone that." Animals are there for you and if you love them, then they love you right back. They're your friend for their whole life and they can always make you smile, even when you don't want to smile. Even when you're feeling so down that you think you might not ever smile again, they can make you smile. They just love you, as long as you love them back.

But back to being here. "Home." It's not home. Home is, was, the apartment I grew up in. Home is where the kids live right downstairs, and my grandparents live just down the street, and across the street from them is Conor's house where Nikki and I used to get babysat sometimes when we were younger, and just up the hill from there and on the other side of the street is Leah's house, and the next house up the hill is Tom and Joanne's house where they always have to put up a sign to stop kids from taking all their berries that they use for jelly or jam or something, and two houses up the street from the apartment is Cece's house, and across from there, diagonally, is where Skip's parents live and two or three houses down from there is the house where Ray and I mowed the owner's lawn with my grandfather's old push-mower and then she told us afterwards that she had no money and offered us chocolate instead. That's where home is. Not here. Not even is. That's where home used to be. I don't know if the new house will ever feel like home. Is that bad to say? Is it bad to think that? Now, home is school. School is where I want to be, and honestly, it feels so much more like a home to me than home ever did.

I've got three friends here who are the only reason I want to be here. I love them to death, and you know what scares me? I'm scared to lose them. I'm scared we won't always be friends. That's silly, right? I mean, I've been friends with one since second grade. We've had our ups and downs and sometimes she drives me absolutely insane, but when it comes down to it, she was one of my first real friends, and I hope she'll always be my friend. I've known one since third grade, and she's definitely one of my best friends. And I haven't known the third one as long. Just since June '09. But she's one of my best friends too. I love all three of them. And I don't know why, but I always have this fear in the back of my mind that as much as I want to be friends for the rest of forever, I'm always scared of the "what if?"

I want to be back at school where people love me for me. Where I'm not constantly arguing with people. Where I'm not so scared to be me. Where I can make people smile and laugh. Where I'm a happier me. I don't know what I'm going to do over the summer. Because all I know is that I can't handle being here for an entire summer.