The future... it's scary.

Oh hey, I'm FINALLY considered a senior.

And I have 100 completed hours at college.

And 90% done with my degree.

Buttttt I still have two years until I'm done.  Next semester (Spring 2013)- Blocks 1, the semester after that (Fall 2013)- Blocks 2, the semester after that (Spring 2014)- student teaching, and then the semester after that (Fall 2014)-Finishing up the last few classes I'll still have to take (because with your blocks classes, you can only do 1 other class. So I'll have like 3 classes I still need and then I'll just end up taking like 2 other random classes so I have enough credits to be a fulltime student).

And then I have to get my masters, which I read is gonna take 2-3 years to do.

4 or 5 more years of school left.

I'm 21 years old.  Which means I won't be done with school until I'm either 25 or 26.

Does thinking about the future ever terrify you?  Because I know it can't be just me.  There's so much about the future that I don't even want to think about because it just scares me.  And it really stresses me out.  I hate not knowing things, but no one can predict the future, you know?

I'm nervous about starting blocks.  (For people who don't know, I'm an education major.  Blocks are.. um.. I don't know exactly. From what one of my friends was telling me, they're kind of methods courses. Like how to teach stuff.)  I'm excited, but I'm nervous.  Because we go into classrooms and do stuff.  I was stressed enough coming up with lesson plans for the kids I mentored, and there were only TWO of them!! How do you make lessons for a CLASS???  I know, I know, I'm going to have to do this in the future, when I really am a teacher and this is just preparing me for that.  But oh god am I ever nervous about it.

I'm scared about student teaching.  But that's for a different reason.  I mean, ok, I'm nervous about actually being in the classroom like that, but that's not what I'm a mess about, because Blocks will (hopefully) prepare me for that.  No, I'm a mess because I want to do my student teaching in Australia.  The Australia program is REALLY selective.  You have to basically have perfect grades and everything. which is why I've been stressing so bad about grades.  Finding out my grades for this semester, I was so so so nervous but excited at the same time.  I did really well this semester.  All 4.0's except for one 3.7.  And I elected to take my Bio class pass/fail because I wasn't doing that well and I knew thought I would pass it, but I didn't want a low grade to bring down my GPA.  So I got the credits for the class, but it didn't count for my GPA.  And not just grades, money.  Money is a freaking huge issue.  I'm going to get a job this summer.  A real job.  Not a "we'll call you if we need you" sort of job or babysitting or whatever.  No.  I'm going to apply at a daycare center near where I live.  Granted, it'll probably be minimum wage, but it will at least be SOMETHING.  And I can apply for scholarships, but just because you apply doesn't mean you get it... And people keep telling me I can't do it.  Telling me I won't be able to go.  My grades won't be high enough.  I won't get the scholarships.  I won't be able to afford it.  Australia has been my dream for longer than I can remember.  You don't even understand, I need this to happen.  I need Australia.  I will get there someday.

And then there's other things about the future too.  Like getting a teaching job.  I mean, good freaking luck with that in today's world, right?  How often are schools hiring new teachers?  And when they do hire new teachers, how many teachers apply for that job?  Lots.  And what are the odds of me getting it?  There's probably better, more qualified people than me who would apply and be more likely to get the job.  Or someone who knows someone will get the job because of their connections to the school.  

And what about things like the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School?  Look, I know things like that are rare occurrences.  No one ever expects something like that to happen to them, but it could.  The cold, hard, terrifying fact is that it could.  It could.  Oh god.  What happens if I was teaching and something like that happened at the school I was working at?  God, if it had been a few years later, I could have been one of those teachers.  That one teacher, Victoria Soto, she was only 27.  She probably had just gotten her masters.  She probably had only been teaching a couple of years.  Given just a couple more years, that could have been... I'm crying.  I need to stop thinking about this.  I need to stop thinking about it.  I need to.

And it's not just that stuff.  Do you ever stop and realize that your grandparents aren't going to be around forever?  My grandparents are in their late 60s or early 70s, I think.  How old do people live, on average?  I don't want to imagine life without my grandma.  I love her and I can't imagine her not being in my life. My cat too, I know he's getting old but I don't want to imagine life without him either. I love him so so so much.  He's my baby.  How long do cats live?  I don't even know how old he is.  I mean, he doesn't act old.  But what will happen when he does?  What if something happened to him while I'm away at school?  And when I move out of the house, he'll stay here with my mom and her boyfriend because he really is my mom's boyfriend's cat, not actually mine.  What will happen then?  I'll miss him.  I'll miss him so much.  And what if my grandma gets Alzheimer's?  What will it be like if she someday doesn't remember me or know who I am?  I know it's possible.  And it's scary because I know it's likely, because her mom has it.  I don't know that I'd be able to bring myself to still go visit her if she didn't know me anymore.  That's why I never liked visiting my great-grandmother.  Because it made me so sad to know that she didn't even know her own children or anything.  I can't bear to think of my grandma like that.

Life is so unpredictable.  I'm constantly scared that something will happen to my mom or to one of my siblings.  What would I do?  How would I deal with that?  What about later later later in the future, when my mom is really really old, what will life be like?  Will she end up in a nursing home?  And what will happen when she dies?  Oh god that's so morbid.  I need to stop thinking.

What about when I eventually fall in love and get married?  Who will she be?  What if I never fall in love?  What if I never get married?  I just want kids.  I want a million kids.  No matter what happens, I will have a big family.  I will have a lot of kids.  It would just be really nice to be in love with someone.  It would be wonderful to have a relationship, and to raise kids together.  To be together.  But what if it never happens?  What if everyone else is right and I really am just not good enough?  I can't...

I just... I wish I could just turn my brain off for a bit and not think.  I need a long, hot shower.  I need to cry.  I think.  I need... someone to tell me that things will be fine.