Some thoughts.

Circling back, now that I’ve had a couple of days. I’m not surprised in the slightest that I was diagnosed as autistic. It’s something I’ve thought and wondered about for so long that I would have been MORE surprised to find out that I wasn’t. I’m honestly so glad that I decided to pursue doing this because I needed to know, just for myself.

I’m considering doing at least one, maybe a few, therapy sessions with the same company I went through for the assessment (honestly I don’t know if “assessment” or “evaluation” is the right word so whichever is right, just assume that’s what it should say). There’s so much I don’t know about therapy that holds me back from doing it - what will the therapist be like? What questions will they ask? What will the topic(s) of conversation be? Are they going to be mad at me? (There would be no reason for them to be mad at me and the logical part of my brains KNOWS that, but the anxious part of my brain is constantly worried at all times that everyone is always mad at me.) But I kind of feel like, for myself, that maybe I need to.

Because I don’t feel any sort of shame or anything about this diagnosis, but at the same time I don’t know how (or even if) to tell the people in my life about it. My wife knows, of course. And a couple of our friends know. But it’s like, for me, I just… when it comes to telling people, I don’t want anyone to think I’m just trying to get attention, because that’s not it at all. If I wanted attention, everyone in my life would have known from the get-go that I was having that assessment done. But no one knew. Well that’s a lie. I knew. Ashley knew. And my mom knew. But I hadn’t told anyone else. Why hadn’t I told any of my friends? Because I feel like I was scared to find out I’d been wrong, scared to be like “I know we’ve all just assumed I was autistic for the past…basically entire time I’ve known you, but plot twist I’m not!” I didn’t want that to happen.  And then I’m also worried people would think I was faking a diagnosis (and honestly WHY would I do that? What would I stand to gain from that? Absolutely nothing) or think along the lines of what I see too often in the comments sections on instagram reels - “everyone thinks they need a diagnosis” or “the problem with (whatever social media site) is everyone suddenly thinks they’re autistic.” And that isn’t it at all for me. For me, I just wanted to KNOW. I wanted an answer the the question I’d been asking myself since I was 17 years old. This wasn’t something that came up out of nowhere; it was something that, at 17 I started to suspect, around 26 became fairly certain of, and then, now, at 33 decided to find out once and for all.  It took a lot of research for me to get to the point where I am now and to the point where I had the self confidence to seek out a medical professional for an answer.

So basically I feel like I just have a lot to work through and no one to talk it over with because I don’t know anyone in my real life who has gone through (or is going through) this exact same situation. So I feel like therapy could be beneficial. It’s just something I’ve never done before so I’m anxious. But also, I’ve never had an autism evaluation before and I did that, so here’s to doing new things. I DID however sign up for a group session (over Zoom) through the same company my evaluation was through for newly diagnosed autistic adults. So little baby steps. I’m thinking that, and then maybe therapy. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

And ALSO! I thought I was fairly good at making a normal amount of eye contact with people (and maybe I’m better at it with people I know and am comfortable around) but apparently that is not a skill I’ve mastered despite 33 years of masking my autistic traits.

“Her use of eye gaze for communication was inconsistent, to the extent that could be determined in a remote session”

And to, I’m sure, no one’s surprise even when I feel like I’m actively trying to tone down talking about Taylor Swift…I still talk quite a lot about Taylor Swift.

“Notably, Taylor Swift came up many times throughout the two sessions.”

That’s basically all my thoughts right now. And I am so glad that I went through with doing that evaluation. I wouldn’t change a single thing. I’m autistic, and I know that now. It’s not something I’m “pretty sure” of anymore, it’s an actual literal diagnosis. It’s me.


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