What does happiness feel like?

One of the strangest things for me, after getting diagnosed as autistic back in December 2024, was coming to the realization that I don’t know how emotions feel in my body.  The psychologist asked me what it feels like to be happy.  I was confused – when you’re happy, you’re smiling. Maybe laughing. But a smile for sure.  She asked, but how does it feel?

That threw me off.  Happiness had a feeling? I thought happiness was the feeling.  It wasn’t a feeling I knew how to describe.  She asked what it feels like in my body to be sad.  How do you know when you’re sad?  That was easy – sadness was when you cried.  But crying wasn’t it either.

I’ve been trying, this past year and 3 months, to pay attention to my body when I experience different emotions.  I can make myself look happy, sad, confused, but to feel those feelings and be able to describe them?  That’s where I get lost.  That’s where I realize I’ve been masking, been putting on a show and acting like my best interpretation of a human being, without even realizing it.

What brought this up today?  

We went to a friends’ wedding over the weekend.  It was a beautiful wedding and the couple who got married are both so sweet and deserve all the happiness that the world has to offer.  It was a long day.  The wedding was at 2:30 in the afternoon and we didn’t get home until around 10 at night.  A few people came back to our apartment afterward to wait for the bride and groom (who are our neighbors) to get back home so by the time out night ended, it was probably pretty close to 11pm.  Which, this is not me complaining at all.  It was a long and busy day, but it was a good day.

After everyone left, my wife asked me “did you have a good day?”

I replied “I think so.”

She asked “What do you mean – you think so?”

And that’s just it, isn’t it?  I think I had a good day.  I enjoyed the wedding, the food was really good, the wine was great, the people sat at our table – even though I didn’t know them – were so nice to talk to and hang out with.  It was a fun afternoon/evening.  But I couldn’t stop thinking the thought that’s been lingering in my mind for the past 15 months – what does happiness feel like?

Even when we go to Universal, which is one of my favorite places in the world, and I know I’m at my happiest, I couldn’t tell you what that feels like inside my body.  Or at a Taylor Swift concert. I love Taylor Swift. I love her music. I’ve seen her in concert 3 times and each time I know I was happy, but I couldn’t tell you what happiness - or any other emotion - feel like.

Happiness… It feels like I can’t stop smiling.  It just feels like I’m happy.  But beyond that… I don’t know.  I still don’t know.  And I don’t know if I’ll ever truly know.

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