Entry numero uno

Set the stage. Get to know the characters. Understand the plot. Figure it all out before the end comes and the curtain closes.

Do I act? Hell no. I tried that once, back in 8th grade, and hated every second I had to be out on that stage. I hated saying the 14 lines I had in the script and dressing in costume. I didn't like going to rehearsals; the people there weren't my friends. They were my cast-mates. Did I want to be friends with them? Some of them, yeah. Others, not so much. But was I going to tell them I wanted to maybe be their friend? No. Why would I do that?

The main character... I guess that would be me, since it's my life. I don't think I can paint an accurate picture of myself though. I'd like to think I know who I am. But in reality, wouldn't my perception of myself be different than the me others see? I can tell you who I think I am, but to really know me, you'd have to know me. You'd maybe have to talk to others who know me. Who do I think I am? I'll tell you.

I'm that awkwardly shy person who gets nervous talking to other people. I'm not nervous because I'm trying to hide something, or whatever else it appears, but rather because I don't want to get hurt. If you talk to people, you (can) become friends with these people. Your friends can hurt you. Maybe they don't mean to, but they do. Sometimes. Maybe you'll get in a fight. Maybe the other person will cancel plans the two of you made because their boy/girl friend called last minute and wanted to hang out with them. Maybe they won't be there for you when you're at your great-grandmother's funeral, at a time when more than anything, you need them. Maybe every freaking time you make plans to hang out, they suddenly can't because they got called into work (and then you find actually went out with other friends. Every damn time.) Maybe they invite you to go to a party with them just because they know you don't like parties and will say decline the invitation. Or maybe you'll get into a huge fight, one you won't make up from, and it'll all be over between the two of you. Whatever happens, it hurts. Sometimes it feels like your heart has been ripped right out of your chest. You're so angry and so hurt, and all you want to do is hate that person with every fiber of your being... but you can't because of the love you have for them. No, not love like the love you feel for your significant other, but a special love that exists between friends.

I'm overly protective of the three people in my life who drive me the craziest: my three younger siblings. I hate them, no, not hate exactly. But they drive me up the wall, and time and time again I find myself wishing I was an only child. They fight and argue - with me and with each other. I don't understand them, and I'm not entirely sure that they're human. But, if you want the truth, I love them more than anything else in the world. I stick up for them if anyone talks crap about them. I look out for them. I care about them. And you know what, I wouldn't trade any of them for the world. I don't know, I guess maybe most people with siblings probably feel this way.

I love school. I say I don't like it, but that's partly because most other people say they don't like it. I know I don't quite fit in anywhere perfectly, but I want to. People always tell each other not to follow the crowd, but everyone does it. We're all just sheep. I get bored without school. I can't wait for summer break to come, but then a week into it, I'm longing to be back in class. The problem with school though, is that I can't ever stay focused. I try and try so hard to pay attention in class, but within the first 15 or 20 minutes, I've zoned out. Though my body is in the classroom, my mind isn't. My mind is outside, sitting in the sun and enjoying the warmth. Even classes that I like, it takes a lot for me to keep my mind on the subject. Sometimes you can see it on my face, when I'm really trying to stay focused. I look like I'm thinking really hard about something, but in reality I'm trying not to think. Er, well, trying not to think about off topic subjects.

My neighbor's grandkids can make me smile like no one else can. There's four of them, ranging in age from 14 months up to not six, but almost-seven. I think it's so funny and adorable, and I remember back when I was "almost" ages. Back when people would ask me how old I was, and I'd happily reply back that I was almost whatever age. I wasn't the age I actually was; I was almost the next age. Anyway, the kids are my world. I love them so much. Watching the 14 month old toddle along picking up everything on the ground and look at it with such amazement and wonderment is amazing to me. At 18, the things I don't think twice about are the things she thinks are cool. Things like rocks on the ground, dirt to play in, leaves growing on the trees, are the things she loves. When she is sitting in her stroller, she'll throw the Iron Man 2 ball (or whatever other toy she is given) to the ground. Someone gets it for her and hands it to her. Two seconds later, she throws it again, and laughs like it's the funniest thing in the world. I wish I was still that easily amused.

Though you may not guess it, I'm such a hopeless romantic. I believe in love. I love love, actually. I think everyone should have that special someone who loves them like no one else ever could. If people ask, I tell them that if they really like someone, then go for it. Let them know you like them. Hey, it could work out in your favor and they could really like you too. Of course, they may not like you and it would just be awkward and embarrassing... but love is a feeling you shouldn't ignore. Like I said, that's what I tell other people. Would I ever do that? No. And why not? Because I'm protecting myself from getting hurt. I love love, but I fear it as well. It's the most amazing feeling, but it's also the scariest. When you're together with someone, and the two of you are in love, there's really no secrets. Nothing is just yours anymore; suddenly it's all shared. You're so open and the other person knows so much about you that, if they wanted to, they could ruin your life in a matter of seconds. And that's terrifying.

Music is my life. I can't sing a note in tune, can't read music, and can't play an instrument. Yet, I love music. I think most people do; I've never met someone who doesn't. There's songs for everything. Every mood you're in, every feeling you feel, there's a song for it. Life itself can be described in song lyrics. The words, and even the music itself, has a life, a soul even. Music is alive. It's everywhere.

I write letters I would never send. Sometimes, it helps. When I really like someone, for example, I write them a letter. I don't use their name. I don't want people to know who I like; I'm kind of a private person about some things. But sometimes, just by reading and by knowing me, people could figure it out. But anyway, I just write them a letter. I spill my guts. I tell them how I feel and everything. Then I sign it, but I don't use my name either. I know that's pointless, but I don't know, I guess I just figure that if I don't use their name then I shouldn't use mine either. If I used my name and not theirs, it would make me feel like I thought I was more important than them. And really, I'm not. I'm nobody. I don't ever send the letter. I just type it up and save it. Sometimes I don't even save it.

I don't know what else you want me to say about myself. I think you can paint a picture of who I am. So I guess that's it for now.

And, just saying: no promises as to how often I'll update this. Could be I'll update just once and then completely forget about it and never post again. Or, it could be I update most every day. Who knows?