Let's just not title this one

I didn't want to admit it before, because I thought the feeling would pass if I tried hard enough to ignore it, if I tried hard enough to be happy, but it's not going away. I kept thinking to myself that if I couldn't feel happy inside, it was because I just I wasn't trying hard enough. I don't know what it is, but all the time lately, I feel like I'm 3 seconds away from crying. I feel like I'm going to just break down, and never be able to get back up.

I'm feeling a lot like I did last year, and I don't know why. Things right now are so much different than they were before. And I was happy for a while there. But... I kinda feel like I'm on the outside, looking in on people. I don't feel connected with anyone except the kids downstairs from me, Candis and Nathan especially. You want to see the most real smile you'll ever see on my face? Watch me when I'm with those two. I feel like they're the only things keeping me all the way here most of the time. Even my friends, I don't feel as connected with them as I did before. Things just feel different to me, like there's a tension in the air that wasn't there before. It's like I'm walking a tightrope with no net below to catch me. One false step, and it's... I don't even want to think it.

It could just be that I'm stressing over school, grades. I try to joke about school, to make it seem like it's effortless for me, but it's not. I try so hard to make it look easy, to make it look like I have my life four hundred million percent under control, but I don't. School isn't a piece of cake for me. My grades have been slipping all semester, and I just can't get myself to really care. I don't want to go to class. I don't want to be at school. I feel so lost and there's no maps or signs to lead me back to where I should be.

Or maybe it's the weather, the change of the seasons. It's been so blah outside lately. It's hard to be happy when you look outside and everything is dark, grey, dreary...

Or maybe it could even be that I'm so eff-ing tired of being so ridiculously crazy about this girl I have no chance whatsoever with. I tell myself all the time to just get over her, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't. I can't even go a day without thinking about her because I see her every day. Even if I don't see her at school, she'll update something on her facebook and it'll show up on my newsfeed. And I'll see her name on there, and think about her. Her eyes. Oh my God, her eyes. They're so wild and happy and expressive and full of life. There's this, this, fire in them that can't be described. Her smile. Her body. Her style. She's smart and funny and amazing and when we actually do talk to each other, we have the most amazing conversations. I love listening to her talk; there's just something about the sound of her voice that does something to me. And her laugh, God I love her laugh. I love making her laugh. It's not hard for me to do, to make her laugh. Every time the two of us have talked, I managed to make her laugh. And the more I tell myself it's never going to happen, the more I ask myself why not. The more I tell myself she'll never want to be anything to me, the more I completely hate myself for not being someone she'd like.

I'm tired all the time. I'm sad. I feel like crying all the time. I feel like I'm so unbelievably close to breaking into a million little pieces. I already said it, but the kids are the only ones I feel happy around. I think it's because they're so innocent and so... they just see the world differently than adults do. They're so real. It doesn't matter who's around, they are 100% themselves all the time. There's no faking. They don't know what it's like to be hurt. They've never had their hearts broken. And if you love them, they love you right back. It's that simple. But with older teenagers (people my age) and adults, people are so fake. There's lying. There's cheating. There's pain, heartache, and disappointment. It all sucks.

And I can't tell any of my friends this. Well, I probably could, but... I don't even know. I'm so confused about everything right now. And admitting to not having everything as picture perfect as I try to make it seem... that's like admitting a weakness. I can't do it.

I need to get away from here, from this place and everyone around here. I just.. need.. a break.

me with Nathan:

me with Candis: (haha you've gotta love her BIG smile for the camera!)