for the first time...

Today, for the first time ever, when my mom was talking about my future, she didn't say anything about me being with a guy.  There was no "the guy you'll end up with..." or "the man you'll marry..."  No, this time, it was simply "the person,"  which I thought was really great.

See, a friend of mine is in a really awful relationship and everyone can see it except for her.  I wish so bad that there was some way I could make her see that he treats her like crap, that she really can do so much better than him.  And my mom and I were talking about that friend and her situation today.  And mom said to me "Please, please, don't ever end up with a g-.... a person like that."  I'm sure she was going to say "a guy," but she didn't.  And that was the first time she didn't.  I bet she probably didn't even know that this was the first time.  I wonder if it even matters to her.  I don't know.  But it matters to me.  It's a really big deal for me.

I'm so sure she knows I'm gay.  She has to.  I mean, I haven't told her.  But still, I'm so sure she knows.  And you know, for so long, her finding out was my biggest fear.  I was terrified.  And now... now, I'm not scared of her knowing.  And I'm not scared of telling her.  But I still am a little scared of how she'll react when I do finally end up telling her.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dear Little Me - Letter(s) to my younger self

Image
Dear Little Me, You're three.  You've just become a big sister, so life is changing so much right now.  It's okay.  You're so smart, smarter than a 3 year old really has any right to be.  The world is big, and you're so little - and you discovered that books are an escape from everything, even though you don't know yet that that's what you're doing, escaping from the confusing and ever changing world into the familiarity of your books.  Hop on Pop never changes no matter how many times you read it.  One Fish Two Fish, Red Fish Blue Fish is the same story every time.  Fox In Socks? Green Eggs & Ham?  The entire series of Spot the dog books?  No matter how big or loud or scary the world is, they stay the same and there’s something comforting about that.  Something about that feels safe and just feels right.  And that's okay.  There isn't anything wrong with you.  You're autistic; you just don't know it yet. Don't Take Th...
Read more

Eight Months Later

Image
Eight months ago today, I was diagnosed as autistic.  And some days I feel like I’m still processing that diagnosis.  It’s something that, for so long, I had thought/suspected about myself and I thought, because I’d thought it for so long, that that knowing wouldn’t change anything.  And in some ways, most ways, nothing in my life has changed except that   I   know now and so do other people.  I mean, I’d started accommodating myself before that diagnosis – I got a weighted blanket for when I was experiencing anxiety or restlessness or just couldn’t sleep; I bought Loop earplugs to help with noise and started wearing them to things like concerts or hockey games or even the plays that we go to; I keep fidget toys at my desk at work; hell I even started keeping my hair short so it wouldn’t be   touching  me because I hate that sensory experience so much – so in my head, I thought it would be the same, I’d just be more knowledgeable about myself....
Read more

The Next President...

I didn't sleep last night; I was too afraid that America was going to make the worst possible decision.  And we did.  Somehow, Donald Trump became the president-elect.  Somehow, enough people actually voted for him.  Somehow, people support his racism , sexism , homophobia , Islamophobia .  Somehow, people were able to look past not only the fact that he has virtually no political experience and was the least qualified candidate for the job, but they were also able to look past the way he treats women and the fact that he's sexually assaulted multiple women.  (Wondering why it takes people so long to come forward about abuse?  Because we live in a country where their assailant can become leader of the free world.) A Trump presidency scares me so much. It’s not solely because of him, not only because he’s a republican, but because we’re going to spend the next four years with a republican-controlled house and senate. Because the Trump and Pence are...
Read more