the media's influence?

I don't know if this sounds weird... but sometimes I seriously wonder if I have a problem.  It's like... I'm always worried about being skinny.  Like I have to be thin.  I just have to.  There isn't another option.  It's either skinny or nothing at all.

And I mean, it's... I don't diet or anything like that.  And I do eat.  I like food.  I would never be able to be anorexic or anything like that because I like food.  I wouldn't be able to not eat when I'm hungry.

If I eat a lot or go out to eat, anywhere - it doesn't matter where, as soon as I'm done eating, I feel like I have to look in a mirror to make sure I'm still skinny.  And whenever I get new clothes, I have to try them on to make sure they make me look skinny.  I spend way too much time in front of the mirror, looking at myself from the front and the side, to make sure I look thin no matter how you're looking at me.

But I know I'm skinny.  I mean, I wear a freaking size 0 (most of the time)!!  Sometimes I wear a 1; it depends on the brand of the jeans.  But I'll see people who wear a double 0, and I half think to myself "why don't I wear a double zero?!" and I feel like have to get to a mirror, to look and make sure I'm still skinny.  And if I can't get to a mirror, I spend all day worrying that I'm not skinny anymore.  I try to smile and laugh and be normal, but it's not that easy because I'm worried that I'm not thin, but I smile anyway.  But that, the smiling anyway, gets me to being worried that people see through my fake smile.

But then, if I stay busy... if I'm doing other things, I can forget about this need to be thin for that time.  I think... because if I'm busy, I'm happy.  And if I'm happy, I'm not stressing over anything because life is just... good.  So I feel like I have to stay busy, staying doing something other than nothing.  So I think, as long as I'm busy, I'm more normal?

What IS this, this feeling that I'm not skinny when I know I am?  Is it because of the influence the media has on our society?  Because... I don't know.  I don't read magazines (except for articles about Taylor Swift) and there's not that many television shows I watch (Modern Family, Pretty Little Liars, and American Idol. Oh yeah, and Skins too.)  So I don't know.  I don't understand myself sometimes. I really don't.

And if I say any of this stuff out loud, people think I'm just looking for attention.  But I'm not.

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