Just venting...


Dear you,

I'm sorry I'm not good enough to be your friend.  I'm sorry I've never been good enough.  I'm sorry I tried.  I'm sorry I wasted so many years trying so hard to be a good friend, when it turns out that we're apparently only friends if no one has to know we're friends.  I'm sorry I'm the friend you turn to when everyone else is busy.  I'm sorry all of our sleepovers and all the secrets we shared and all the memories and everything don't mean anything to you.  I'm sorry those BEST FRIENDS key chains we got in middle school, that I still have, don't mean anything.  I'm sorry for all the times I was the only one who was there for you.  I'm sorry the fact that I've always been there for you even if you haven't been there for me only meant something to me.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.

I want to be done.  I wish I could be done.  But I can't.  Because this is the friendship we've always had.  It's almost always been just one way like this.  And as much as I want to be done, because as much as this friendship hurts me, I can't be done.  Because this is the way it's always been.

Whatever though.  I know who my real friends are.  Because friendship isn't about who's been there the longest.  It's about who came into your life and never left.  I don't know who said that quote, but it's all over facebook all the time.  And no, you never "left," but whatever normal sort of friendship we once had was gone a long, long time ago.  But it still hurts every time I realize that.

I just wish I could fix whatever went wrong.  Or at least, I wish I knew when our friendship turned into this.  Was it always this way?  Or did it turn into this as time went on and the years went by?  Was there one defining moment when everything changed?  Or did it change slowly over time?  I wish I could get it back to the way I thought it was when we were younger, but I don't know now if it ever was what I thought it was.

"Breathe" by Taylor Swift just came on iTunes while I was writing this.  And it made me cry because of how much it fits with this post.  It's about the end/loss of a friendship.

Hope you know it's not easy
easy for me. 
It's 2 AM
feeling like I just lost a friend.
Hope you know this ain't easy
easy for me.

I don't know how to be without considering you a friend.  But somehow, I have to.  No matter how much it hurts.  I don't know why I'm not good enough for you.  But I know that no matter how hard I've tried, I'm just not.  And it hurts to much to keep this friendship up.  A friendship can't be as one-sided as this one is.  Because it gets to the point where it's just not worth it anymore.  I'm sorry.

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