I don't know what to write

Dear Candis,

I don't know what to write to you.

Not on here, I mean.  I promised you I'd write you a letter.  A real letter.  So you could get your very own mail at your new house.  But I don't know what to write to you.  I don't know what to say.  Your mommy sent me a text message today, telling me how excited you are, waiting for your letter from me.  So I have to write you one, soon, but Candis, I don't know what to say.

Should I tell you how much I miss you?  Should I tell you how great it was to talk to you again the other day?  How even though it's been more than a year and a half now, I could still "see" every look on your little face?  Should I tell you how good things are here?  Should I tell you how I might get the chance to go all the way to Australia in a couple of years?  Should I ask you how things are there?  Should I ask you to write me back?  Should I tell you how much I wish I could go visit you?  Should I tell you how much I love you?

It really was so good to talk to you again the other day.  Even though you accidentally hung up on me.  It's ok though, I know touch screens aren't the easiest thing to figure out - especially when you're three.  You were so adorable, telling me how you're a big sister now.  I absolutely LOVED your description of your little sister.  "She cries and makes dirty diapers!" you said, sounding somehow both pleased and disgusted at the same time.  I told you how you used to be just like that a long time ago and then you got bigger, and how she's going to be bigger like you someday.  "She has big eyes," you said.  You do too, silly.  You both have the same big blue eyes, you both have your mommy's eyes.  You told me how you love "eye ta-doe" (eye shadow) and how you like to do make up when your mommy does make up.  

You told me a few times "love you!!" and "miss you!!" and I miss the days of "luh" so much.  I'll bet you don't even remember that, do you? How "love" was "luh", "thanks" was "tank", and I was "Kimerly"?  You're growing up so so so fast.  It's crazy to stop and realize it.

Life goes by so fast, kiddo.  I know it doesn't feel like it to you, but I see it now.  I feel it now.  Candis, I'm going to be 21 next month.  When on Earth did that happen?  It's been almost two years since I was a teenager.  I don't know where the time went, and I wish I knew when I was growing up just how fast it really does fly by.  I wish someone had told me to treasure every memory, to treasure every last moment.  I wish I knew how much I would miss being a kid.

Promise me this one thing, Candis.  Please.  Promise me you won't ever wish to be older.  Please don't spend your childhood wanting to be a teenager, and your teenage years trying to be an adult.  Adulthood isn't fun, Princess.  Childhood is fun.  Being a teenager is fun.  Being an adult is not.  Please, if there's one thing you ever promise me, if there's one promise you'll always keep, let it be the promise that you won't wish your life away.  Because when you get to be my age, you'll regret it.  You'll wish you had spent more of your childhood being a kid.  It's time you can't ever get back, so don't let it slip through your fingers.

I love you.

Love,
Kimberly

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dear Little Me - Letter(s) to my younger self

Image
Dear Little Me, You're three.  You've just become a big sister, so life is changing so much right now.  It's okay.  You're so smart, smarter than a 3 year old really has any right to be.  The world is big, and you're so little - and you discovered that books are an escape from everything, even though you don't know yet that that's what you're doing, escaping from the confusing and ever changing world into the familiarity of your books.  Hop on Pop never changes no matter how many times you read it.  One Fish Two Fish, Red Fish Blue Fish is the same story every time.  Fox In Socks? Green Eggs & Ham?  The entire series of Spot the dog books?  No matter how big or loud or scary the world is, they stay the same and there’s something comforting about that.  Something about that feels safe and just feels right.  And that's okay.  There isn't anything wrong with you.  You're autistic; you just don't know it yet. Don't Take Th...
Read more

Eight Months Later

Image
Eight months ago today, I was diagnosed as autistic.  And some days I feel like I’m still processing that diagnosis.  It’s something that, for so long, I had thought/suspected about myself and I thought, because I’d thought it for so long, that that knowing wouldn’t change anything.  And in some ways, most ways, nothing in my life has changed except that   I   know now and so do other people.  I mean, I’d started accommodating myself before that diagnosis – I got a weighted blanket for when I was experiencing anxiety or restlessness or just couldn’t sleep; I bought Loop earplugs to help with noise and started wearing them to things like concerts or hockey games or even the plays that we go to; I keep fidget toys at my desk at work; hell I even started keeping my hair short so it wouldn’t be   touching  me because I hate that sensory experience so much – so in my head, I thought it would be the same, I’d just be more knowledgeable about myself....
Read more

The Next President...

I didn't sleep last night; I was too afraid that America was going to make the worst possible decision.  And we did.  Somehow, Donald Trump became the president-elect.  Somehow, enough people actually voted for him.  Somehow, people support his racism , sexism , homophobia , Islamophobia .  Somehow, people were able to look past not only the fact that he has virtually no political experience and was the least qualified candidate for the job, but they were also able to look past the way he treats women and the fact that he's sexually assaulted multiple women.  (Wondering why it takes people so long to come forward about abuse?  Because we live in a country where their assailant can become leader of the free world.) A Trump presidency scares me so much. It’s not solely because of him, not only because he’s a republican, but because we’re going to spend the next four years with a republican-controlled house and senate. Because the Trump and Pence are...
Read more