Here's to you, Dad.
Dad,
First let me tell you how much I love you. I love you, Daddy. I'm so sorry that the last time we ever talked on the phone, we argued again. I'm so sorry that I was mad at you when we hung up the phone for the last time. I wish I could go back and change that. You know, I don't remember if I even said "I love you" when we hung up for the last time. But I do. And I really hope that you know that.
When Mom showed up at my dorm room at two in the morning on Wednesday, October 2nd, I was so confused. My roommate answered the door. I looked up and saw Mom, and my only thought was "what is my mom doing here? I must be dreaming." and pulled the covers back up over my head. "It's for you," my roommate said, and I sat up, still not entirely sure if I was dreaming or not.
Dad, you were my last thought that morning because I didn't think anything truly bad would ever happen to you. I never thought something would happen to you. I guess I kind of took you for granted, and just assumed that you would always be there. My first thought, to be honest, was that something had happened to grandma. You know how her health is. I thought something bad had happened to her, but I didn't think death. Mom was leading me to the lounge and I stopped walking, I couldn't go any further. "What happened to grandma?" I'd asked. After she assured me she wasn't there because of grandma, I started walking again, but my next thought was that something had happened to Nikki. I was about to ask, but then I saw her sitting on the couch. Her face was turned away, but I didn't think anything of it. I thought she was just tired. I can still hear the whole conversation.
"There was an accident."
"What do you mean?"
"Daddy was in an accident."
"Is he...?"
"Kimberly, Daddy was killed in a car accident."
I burst into tears. How could that have happened? Dad, you were in the militay. You fought overseas. You always came back. You were the strongest person I knew. It didn't make sense to me that you could be gone. It didn't make sense that the strongest, bravest person I knew was gone. It still doesn't make any sense Dad.
I went back upstairs to my room and grabbed my suitcase to pack to come home. "Is everything ok?" my roommate asked. I shook my head. "My dad died," I'd said, choking on the last word, not wanting to say it aloud, "car accident. I'm going home." Being the best roommate, she didn't say anything about it being two in the morning. She just got up and helped me to pack my suitcase. She handed me Rover. "Here," she'd said, "I know you need him."
The car ride home seemed to last forever. We didn't go home right away. Nikki and I wanted to be with grandma and pop, and they wanted us to be with them too. Now Dad, keep in mind that Tuesday morning, I'd woken up at eight in the morning. I went to bed around midnight and woke up at two. I was running on two hours of sleep. Cece texted me in the morning, while I was at grandma's house. I know how you feel about her, but she's been my best friend since second grade and I know the two of us have had our fair share of disagreements, but she will always be there for me just like I will always be there for her. We spent the day together, with me crying off and on all day, and she was there. It meant so much, just knowing that she was there for me.
I spent a lot of time crying. We left on Sunday (the 6th) to head down to Alabama, and got here on Monday the 7th. It was 21 hours in the car. Dad, that was a LONG car ride. Pop rented a 12 passenger van, and it seemed crowded with just nine of us in it; I don't think 12 people could possibly fit comfortably in it for any long period of time.
Here's where it got the hardest, Dad. When we pulled in the driveway in he morning, I saw your truck. I wanted so badly to run into the house, the way I did so many times when you lived in Virginia, and to see you. I wanted you to greet me with a hug and say "What's up girl?" and "I love you" again, the way you always did. I wanted to hug you back and tell you how much I've missed you. Dad, I was half expecting you to be there. I was sort of hoping that it wasn't real and that we would get here and see that you were fine, that this whole thing was just a trick to get Nikki and I to visit or to get the whole family together. Was that a horrible thought Dad? Julie gave us a tour of your new house, and I kept listening to hear your voice. It was so hard to be with Julie and the kids, and not be with you. You were here though, right Dad? You're always going to be here, aren't you?
Nikki and I went with Julie to pick up Cody and Hailey from school. We rode in your truck, and it seemed weird to me for someone else to be driving your truck. It's yours. When Julie got out to go sign the kids out of school, I was half expecting it to be you who got back in the driver's seat. It wasn't, but you were there in the truck with us, weren't you?
Cody had a football game on Monday night. He says they played poorly, but I think they did well. They won, 13 to 6. Dad, you know I don't like football. But I cheered for my baby brother's team like there was no tomorrow. I'm so proud of that kid, and I know you are too. The moon was covered by a light layer of clouds for most of the night. But Dad, after the game, the clouds cleared up and you could see the moon. It was a crescent moon, so it looked like the moon was smiling down on us. That was you, wasn't it? Because I know you would never miss one of Cody's games so, wherever you are now, you were still watching, weren't you?
The wake last was hard. I'm sorry I didn't go up to the casket until the very end. I couldn't do it. Dad, I couldn't breathe being there. I thought I was going to pass out. I didn't want to see you like that. I spent a lot of time crying last night. They put a lot of make up on you Dad. I hope you washed it off when you got to wherever it is you are now. Someone had the nerve to ask me if Nikki and I were still going to be close to Cody and Hailey. That was the stupidest question. Dad, you know that Nikki and I will always be close to Cody and Hailey, right? You know that Nikki and I will always be there for them, don't you?
The funeral and the burial were today. More tears were shed. Nikki, Hailey, and I put pictures in the casket with you so you can remember us. Julie put in the bottle of Jack Daniels that you didn't finish so you could finish it. You might want to share with people there; there was almost half the bottle left. Cody put in the book you hadn't finished, so you could finish it. They put your sunglasses on your head, the way you always wore them. Hailey wrote a beautiful poem. Everyone was in tears when she read it. Cody's whole football team showed up; even they were crying. I hope you heard it Dad. Nikki and I spoke as well. Your girls all went up there together to speak. We needed each other. At the burial, when they folded the flag and gave it to Julie, my heart broke more than it already had.
Dad, I don't understand how you could be gone. I don't understand why this happened. I don't think I ever will. I hate that this happened. Nikki and I were supposed to come down for Christmas, not for this. We were supposed to see you smiling and laughing again, not in a casket looking like you're sleeping. Dad, you looked like you were pretending to be sleeping. Your eyes were closed, but you looked like you were trying not to smile. I wanted you to wake up. God that's such a stupid thought. I'm an adult now, I shouldn't have stupid thoughts like that anymore. But I did. You looked like you could just wake up, and I wanted you to. I didn't want it to be real. I don't want it to be real.
I'll be 22 tomorrow, and even though I won't hear your voice telling me "Happy birthday," I know that you will be there with me. I know that you will always be there not only for me, but for Cody, Hailey, and Nikki as well. We all love you, Daddy. We all miss you. We always will.
And Dad? I tried Jack Daniels for you tonight. I don't like it. It was for you though, so it's alright.
First let me tell you how much I love you. I love you, Daddy. I'm so sorry that the last time we ever talked on the phone, we argued again. I'm so sorry that I was mad at you when we hung up the phone for the last time. I wish I could go back and change that. You know, I don't remember if I even said "I love you" when we hung up for the last time. But I do. And I really hope that you know that.
When Mom showed up at my dorm room at two in the morning on Wednesday, October 2nd, I was so confused. My roommate answered the door. I looked up and saw Mom, and my only thought was "what is my mom doing here? I must be dreaming." and pulled the covers back up over my head. "It's for you," my roommate said, and I sat up, still not entirely sure if I was dreaming or not.
Dad, you were my last thought that morning because I didn't think anything truly bad would ever happen to you. I never thought something would happen to you. I guess I kind of took you for granted, and just assumed that you would always be there. My first thought, to be honest, was that something had happened to grandma. You know how her health is. I thought something bad had happened to her, but I didn't think death. Mom was leading me to the lounge and I stopped walking, I couldn't go any further. "What happened to grandma?" I'd asked. After she assured me she wasn't there because of grandma, I started walking again, but my next thought was that something had happened to Nikki. I was about to ask, but then I saw her sitting on the couch. Her face was turned away, but I didn't think anything of it. I thought she was just tired. I can still hear the whole conversation.
"There was an accident."
"What do you mean?"
"Daddy was in an accident."
"Is he...?"
"Kimberly, Daddy was killed in a car accident."
I burst into tears. How could that have happened? Dad, you were in the militay. You fought overseas. You always came back. You were the strongest person I knew. It didn't make sense to me that you could be gone. It didn't make sense that the strongest, bravest person I knew was gone. It still doesn't make any sense Dad.
I went back upstairs to my room and grabbed my suitcase to pack to come home. "Is everything ok?" my roommate asked. I shook my head. "My dad died," I'd said, choking on the last word, not wanting to say it aloud, "car accident. I'm going home." Being the best roommate, she didn't say anything about it being two in the morning. She just got up and helped me to pack my suitcase. She handed me Rover. "Here," she'd said, "I know you need him."
The car ride home seemed to last forever. We didn't go home right away. Nikki and I wanted to be with grandma and pop, and they wanted us to be with them too. Now Dad, keep in mind that Tuesday morning, I'd woken up at eight in the morning. I went to bed around midnight and woke up at two. I was running on two hours of sleep. Cece texted me in the morning, while I was at grandma's house. I know how you feel about her, but she's been my best friend since second grade and I know the two of us have had our fair share of disagreements, but she will always be there for me just like I will always be there for her. We spent the day together, with me crying off and on all day, and she was there. It meant so much, just knowing that she was there for me.
I spent a lot of time crying. We left on Sunday (the 6th) to head down to Alabama, and got here on Monday the 7th. It was 21 hours in the car. Dad, that was a LONG car ride. Pop rented a 12 passenger van, and it seemed crowded with just nine of us in it; I don't think 12 people could possibly fit comfortably in it for any long period of time.
Here's where it got the hardest, Dad. When we pulled in the driveway in he morning, I saw your truck. I wanted so badly to run into the house, the way I did so many times when you lived in Virginia, and to see you. I wanted you to greet me with a hug and say "What's up girl?" and "I love you" again, the way you always did. I wanted to hug you back and tell you how much I've missed you. Dad, I was half expecting you to be there. I was sort of hoping that it wasn't real and that we would get here and see that you were fine, that this whole thing was just a trick to get Nikki and I to visit or to get the whole family together. Was that a horrible thought Dad? Julie gave us a tour of your new house, and I kept listening to hear your voice. It was so hard to be with Julie and the kids, and not be with you. You were here though, right Dad? You're always going to be here, aren't you?
Nikki and I went with Julie to pick up Cody and Hailey from school. We rode in your truck, and it seemed weird to me for someone else to be driving your truck. It's yours. When Julie got out to go sign the kids out of school, I was half expecting it to be you who got back in the driver's seat. It wasn't, but you were there in the truck with us, weren't you?
Cody had a football game on Monday night. He says they played poorly, but I think they did well. They won, 13 to 6. Dad, you know I don't like football. But I cheered for my baby brother's team like there was no tomorrow. I'm so proud of that kid, and I know you are too. The moon was covered by a light layer of clouds for most of the night. But Dad, after the game, the clouds cleared up and you could see the moon. It was a crescent moon, so it looked like the moon was smiling down on us. That was you, wasn't it? Because I know you would never miss one of Cody's games so, wherever you are now, you were still watching, weren't you?
The wake last was hard. I'm sorry I didn't go up to the casket until the very end. I couldn't do it. Dad, I couldn't breathe being there. I thought I was going to pass out. I didn't want to see you like that. I spent a lot of time crying last night. They put a lot of make up on you Dad. I hope you washed it off when you got to wherever it is you are now. Someone had the nerve to ask me if Nikki and I were still going to be close to Cody and Hailey. That was the stupidest question. Dad, you know that Nikki and I will always be close to Cody and Hailey, right? You know that Nikki and I will always be there for them, don't you?
The funeral and the burial were today. More tears were shed. Nikki, Hailey, and I put pictures in the casket with you so you can remember us. Julie put in the bottle of Jack Daniels that you didn't finish so you could finish it. You might want to share with people there; there was almost half the bottle left. Cody put in the book you hadn't finished, so you could finish it. They put your sunglasses on your head, the way you always wore them. Hailey wrote a beautiful poem. Everyone was in tears when she read it. Cody's whole football team showed up; even they were crying. I hope you heard it Dad. Nikki and I spoke as well. Your girls all went up there together to speak. We needed each other. At the burial, when they folded the flag and gave it to Julie, my heart broke more than it already had.
Dad, I don't understand how you could be gone. I don't understand why this happened. I don't think I ever will. I hate that this happened. Nikki and I were supposed to come down for Christmas, not for this. We were supposed to see you smiling and laughing again, not in a casket looking like you're sleeping. Dad, you looked like you were pretending to be sleeping. Your eyes were closed, but you looked like you were trying not to smile. I wanted you to wake up. God that's such a stupid thought. I'm an adult now, I shouldn't have stupid thoughts like that anymore. But I did. You looked like you could just wake up, and I wanted you to. I didn't want it to be real. I don't want it to be real.
I'll be 22 tomorrow, and even though I won't hear your voice telling me "Happy birthday," I know that you will be there with me. I know that you will always be there not only for me, but for Cody, Hailey, and Nikki as well. We all love you, Daddy. We all miss you. We always will.
And Dad? I tried Jack Daniels for you tonight. I don't like it. It was for you though, so it's alright.
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| Stanley Arthur Wilcox III December 3, 1966 - October 1, 2013 |
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