Happy birthday, Dad.

Happy birthday Dad.

I wanted to make this big, long post, but now that I'm typing this, I don't know what to say.  I miss you.  I wish I could call you and hear your voice again.  I wish I could tell you happy birthday over the phone or on skype.

Part of me is angry that I can't, but it's stupid to be angry.  Isn't it?  What happened wasn't anyone's fault.  There's nothing and no one to be angry at.  But I am.  I know I've said it some many times, but it's not fair.  It's not fair that Nikki and I can't call you.  It's not fair to Cody and Hailey that you're not there anymore.  It's not fair that you died.  None of it's fair.  I hate myself every single day for the fact that the last time we ever talked, we argued.  I hate myself every single day because I can't remember if I told you "love you" the last time I hung up the phone with you.  I wish I could have a do-over.  Just to redo that conversation and remember to say I love you and to not hang up angry.  The last time we talked was September 19th, and then October 1st, you... I wish I'd called you some time between those two dates.  It's been almost three months since my last ever phone conversation with you.  And just over two months since you passed away.

I know I'm not even close to being a perfect daughter, but I know you loved me anyway.  Dad, I always felt like I had to prove myself to you.  I always felt like I wasn't good enough, but I tried.  God I tried.  You know that, right?

God I just want to call you.  I just want to hear your voice.  I want to tell you happy birthday.  I want to see you at Christmas.  I want to redo that last phone conversation.

I love you, Dad.  I never said that enough.

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