Sometimes...
Dad,
Can I be honest for just one minute? Honest with you. Honest with myself. Honest with whoever is reading this. What I'm going to say isn't easy to say, but I feel like - I really feel like - I need to say it.
Dad... sometimes... I try to forget. And sometimes, it's so easy to do. Sometimes I just tell myself that you're busy and that's why it's been so long since we talked. Sometimes I dream that I talked to you recently, and I try to convince myself it was real life so I can keep on trying to forget. It sounds bad to say, but I think I spent more time on the phone with you than I did with you. And so I try to pretend that we both are just so busy with our lives that we just haven't had the time to call each other. I still half expect my phone to ring sometimes at night, when you would have gotten home from work, or in the middle of the day, when you would be getting lunch, and for you to be on the other end when I answer it.
I don't want to admit that you're gone, and I feel like at this point, I'm supposed to be able to admit it. But I can't. I still can't say it outloud. My friends and people up at Potsdam, they know. And so if it ever came up in conversation or anything, I wouldn't be able to say it. I would say "Since my dad... well, October." Or "When my dad.. you know..." Or something extremely similar to that. The word "died" is too hard of a word to say in the same sentence as "my dad."
I thought you would be here forever. I saw you as invincible. This wasn't supposed to happen - not until Nikki and Cody and Hailey and I were older. You should have been there when Cody got his driver's license or his motorcycle permit. And who is Hailey going to go to father daughter dances with now? Cody just celebrated his sixteenth birthday, his first birthday without you. And Hailey's fourteenth birthday is coming up in just a few short weeks. Nikki and I both graduated from college. You should have been there for all of those events. I'm supposed to be able to call you whenever I feel like it, just to talk randomly about nothing. You weren't supposed to go yet.
And so I do, I try to forget itwas is real. Sometimes, I can convince myself it was nothing more than a bad dream, but then I want to call you up to make sure it was nothing more than a bad dream... and I can't. Because it wasn't a bad dream. It happened, no matter how hard I try to pretend it didn't.
It can't be healthy to keep trying to pretend it didn't happen, but I don't know how else to deal with your... what happened.
Can I be honest for just one minute? Honest with you. Honest with myself. Honest with whoever is reading this. What I'm going to say isn't easy to say, but I feel like - I really feel like - I need to say it.
Dad... sometimes... I try to forget. And sometimes, it's so easy to do. Sometimes I just tell myself that you're busy and that's why it's been so long since we talked. Sometimes I dream that I talked to you recently, and I try to convince myself it was real life so I can keep on trying to forget. It sounds bad to say, but I think I spent more time on the phone with you than I did with you. And so I try to pretend that we both are just so busy with our lives that we just haven't had the time to call each other. I still half expect my phone to ring sometimes at night, when you would have gotten home from work, or in the middle of the day, when you would be getting lunch, and for you to be on the other end when I answer it.
I don't want to admit that you're gone, and I feel like at this point, I'm supposed to be able to admit it. But I can't. I still can't say it outloud. My friends and people up at Potsdam, they know. And so if it ever came up in conversation or anything, I wouldn't be able to say it. I would say "Since my dad... well, October." Or "When my dad.. you know..." Or something extremely similar to that. The word "died" is too hard of a word to say in the same sentence as "my dad."
I thought you would be here forever. I saw you as invincible. This wasn't supposed to happen - not until Nikki and Cody and Hailey and I were older. You should have been there when Cody got his driver's license or his motorcycle permit. And who is Hailey going to go to father daughter dances with now? Cody just celebrated his sixteenth birthday, his first birthday without you. And Hailey's fourteenth birthday is coming up in just a few short weeks. Nikki and I both graduated from college. You should have been there for all of those events. I'm supposed to be able to call you whenever I feel like it, just to talk randomly about nothing. You weren't supposed to go yet.
And so I do, I try to forget it
It can't be healthy to keep trying to pretend it didn't happen, but I don't know how else to deal with your... what happened.
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