Reunited and it feels so good.

One summer around fifth grade, I don't remember if it was the summer before or after, my best friend since second grade introduced me to her other best friend.  She lived just down the road from where I lived and just a couple of houses up the street from where my grandparents lived, so it was weird that we had never met before.  Maybe not so weird though - while I went to public school, she went to a private school a bit further away.  My best friend's brother was best friends with her brother, so that's how the two of them met.  We met that summer, either before or after fifth grade, and all I remember thinking is that she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my entire life.

By fifth grade, I knew what it meant to be gay.  By fifth grade, I was almost completely sure that I was... and I was so, so, so scared that someone - anyone - would find out.  I was overly "boy crazy" because I was scared that if I wasn't, people might start to think I didn't actually like them.  I tried.  I tried so hard to force myself to like guys.  My family said "Conor's so cute.  Wouldn't that just be so perfect - you and the boy next door?" And so I pretended to like Conor.  My friends said "Kyle is soooo cute." And so I pretended to like Kyle.  And when he asked me out at a school dance on a Friday, I was so excited.  But then our first (and only) date was to his youth group and being at a church made me uncomfortable because all I knew about religion was that religious people don't like gay people, so when he broke up with me the following Monday at school because he "wasn't ready for a serious relationship," I cried because I was supposed to, but in all actuality, I felt relieved.  There were others.  My best friend said "You and David would be PERFECT together!" And so I let her set us up and for a month in seventh grade, I let this boy kiss me even though there was no feelings there and I kissed him back even though I had to picture a girl I liked to get myself to want to kiss him.  I said "I love you" because I was 12 and thought that's what you were supposed to say.  And Darius, when Leah and Jessica said how absolutely perfect Darius and I were for each other, I let that happen too.  The two of us were always, right from the start, more friends than anything else.  We went to the fair together and got necklaces that said "Kimberly + Darius 4ever" and the guy who did the engraving said "I hate writing forever for younger couples; it doesn't last forever."  I was so offended at the time because clearly we were 14 and in love.  I look back at those times so fondly.  We were more right for each other than either of us realized at the time.

And now I've gotten side tracked...

The girl my best friend introduced me to quickly became my new best friend.  From fifth grade until tenth, we were like two peas in a pod.  I was over at her house often enough that her parents almost began to expect that I would be there for dinner (it didn't help that it always seemed like they were eating dinner every time I went over there.  I swear I could go at 5 one night and 7:30 the next, and they'd always be just sitting down for dinner when I knocked on their door.)  After tenth grade, we were still friends, but we were starting to drift apart.  We had different lives, different friends.  We were still friends, but we hung out with different people.  By the time I started at Potsdam, we really weren't talking to each other at all.  It wasn't that we didn't want to talk to each other; we weren't avoiding each other.  It was just that we were busy with new lives, new friends, new adventures, new everything, and we just sort of drifted apart from each other without even really noticing it was happening.

I ran into her completely by chance a couple of days ago.  My mom, Pete, Nikki, and I went out to breakfast, and I pointed out a dog.  "Oh my GOSH! Look how CUTE that dog is!!"  Seconds later, I noticed the person walking the dog.  "That looks just like Leah."

My sister looked.  "I think it is?  Looks JUST like her."

My mom looked.  "No, that definitely is.  I'm going to say her name."

We got out of the car, and my mom called out her name.  She turned around and looked confused for half a second before recognition showed on her face.  "Kimberly!!!"  It was a perfect reunion.  My mom, Pete, and Nikki went inside, while my old best friend and I talked for a couple of minutes before she had to get to work.  Talking to her that morning, it felt like absolutely no time at all had passed.  It felt like we had never not been best friends, and like we were picking up from right where we had left off.

Now, I should probably say... I had never told her about me being gay.  While my friends at school knew and my friends who I had met through her knew (including my ex, Darius), I was too scared to tell her.  Why?  Because I was terrified that she would think I had a crush on her, and that that would ruin our friendship.  (I did have a crush on her when we were kids, but that's besides the point).  I did want to tell her, but I loved the friendship I had with her too much to risk losing it.  It's entirely possible that she knew.  When I told Cece, she said she'd been waiting forever for me to tell her.  And it's possible that Darius or Jessica had told her, but if she did know, she never let on.

I hung out with her last night, and eventually during the evening, the topic of relationships - a topic I tended to try to avoid - came up.  "What about you?" she'd asked.  "Are you seeing anyone?"

I looked away for half a second, maybe less than that.  Did I want to answer?  Well, it didn't matter if I wanted to answer - it would be rude not to!  "I was," I said, trying to quickly decide just how much I wanted to say.  It didn't take long at all to make a decision.  This girl had been my best friend.  She was someone I'd once trusted more than anybody else in the world.  "We were together for, um, six months.  I was so happy.."  I paused, knowing I could end it there and not go further.  I couldn't though.  She was my best friend and deserved to know.  "...but she broke up with me.  She said the distance changed her feelings."

And in one response, or rather, one lack of a response, I was reminded just why she was my best friend.  There was no awkwardness.  There was no "you like girls??" that I had thought might happen.  No surprise.  She just went with it, like it was the most normal thing.  It feels weird to say, but her non-reaction was exactly what I needed.  When people question it or act surprised when I tell them, it makes me feel sort of uncomfortable and like I'm... different.  Too different, and then I get all embarrassed just for being who I am.  But last night, last night was exactly what I needed.  I needed a complete non-reaction from someone because it felt like... I really don't know how to word what I want to say.  It just made me feel... normal.  And I really needed that.