Dreams.
Do you ever feel as if your dreams are trying to tell you something of importance? Typically, I'm not one who remembers my dreams for longer than a few precious seconds after waking up, but last night and the night before, my dreams - or bits and pieces at least - have stuck out in my mind.
The night before last night, my dream took place someplace I can't recall having ever been. There was a large fenced in field surrounded by trees and berry bushes. At the opening of the fence stood a small, plain, wood building. Not much of a building really, more like a room with walls and a window where people could purchase admission to the field. Whenever someone tried to pick the berries, a uniformed man would exit the building and yell at whichever person had done it. On the edge furthest from the building, there was a hill. You had to squeeze through the fence, or climb over it, to get to the hill, where there was a path lined thick with trees on either side. I thought I saw someone I knew - my gay ex-boyfriend - there, and so I went. Outside of the fence, we could pick the berries to our hearts' content. I laid there with him in a comfortable silence, cuddling and just being together in a way we hadn't since high school. I left his side to go pick more berries, but guarding the berry bush was a large snake. I turned to run back to him, but he was gone. Frantically, I look around, trying to find him, but he's nowhere in sight. Suddenly, the snake slithers towards me. Faster and faster it's coming towards me and I run until I collapse. When I look up, someone I knew from Columbia-Greene, another gay guy (I'm not sure if that detail is significant or not) was sitting there. "Help me!" I cry to him. "It's going to get me!"
He looks up and sees the snake; his big brown eyes widen to an almost comical degree. "I can't do anything," he says back, "I don't know if you're gay!"
"Yes you do!" I yell. "You know me!"
"Well the snake doesn't," he says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "Everyone knows snakes don't like gay people!" The snake is almost upon me now, and I'm to terrified to do anything. He's yelling in my face. "Say it! SAY IT!"
The snake's mouth is unhinging, open to an impossible wideness. I can see it's teeth, sharp and fanged, a mouth full of teeth that might as well have been razor blades. It doesn't make any sense why he would have been right, but it seemed to be the only thing that might save my life. I look right into the snake's eyes, completely devoid of color, black and soulless. I can't find my voice at first, but at the last possible second, I manage to scream it. "I'M GAY!" And the snake stops. Its' mouth closes and it turns back around and slithers back to the berry bush.
Suddenly my ex is back, and he hugs me tight. "You're okay," he whispers to me. "I promise you're okay. I won't let anything happen to you as long as you stay true to yourself."
And after that, it's gone. I don't know if there was more to the dream or not, but that's all I remember of it. The next one, the dream from last night, is in my memory as well, though I remember far less from last night's dream.
In last night's dream, I'd been dating Schmidt from the show New Girl. I was extremely unhappy in the relationship, but he was happy, so I went along with it. While walking in the city, I run into my ex-girlfriend, and we start talking. "Please!" I begged her, when she initally had no interest in talking to me. "We were friends once. We could be that again! We could be friends again, I swear to you I'll be okay with just friends." We talked about how our lives had been going; I don't remember the specifics, but I remember telling her how unhappy I was. "I miss dating girls," I said to her. "I feel like I'm lying to myself when I'm with him... I need a girl to make me happy again."
"Why are you with him then?" she asked. "If you're so unhappy, why are you still with him?"
I shrugged. "He's happy," was all I had to say to her question.
"You need to stop living your life for other people," she said to me. She said it so sternly that I had no choice but to listen to her. I couldn't tell if she was saying it as a friend or... or just saying it. I didn't know if she meant the words she was saying. "It's so important that you do what's best for you. Put yourself first for once in your life, and live your life in a way that makes you happy."
I smiled at her. I wanted to kiss her, but I couldn't let myself because I knew that wasn't what she wanted. I wanted nothing more than to kiss her again, to hold her in my arms again. Being so close without being together was painful... but I wanted her to be happy, and being with me wasn't what she wanted. Her happiness, even in my dream, was so important to me.
"Start doing what will make you happy. Don't be afraid to put yourself first once in a while."
And that's it for that one. It ends, it fades to black like in a movie, when she says that last line.
There's got to be some sort of meaning, and I'm sure you don't have to be someone who interprets dreams for a living to see it...
The night before last night, my dream took place someplace I can't recall having ever been. There was a large fenced in field surrounded by trees and berry bushes. At the opening of the fence stood a small, plain, wood building. Not much of a building really, more like a room with walls and a window where people could purchase admission to the field. Whenever someone tried to pick the berries, a uniformed man would exit the building and yell at whichever person had done it. On the edge furthest from the building, there was a hill. You had to squeeze through the fence, or climb over it, to get to the hill, where there was a path lined thick with trees on either side. I thought I saw someone I knew - my gay ex-boyfriend - there, and so I went. Outside of the fence, we could pick the berries to our hearts' content. I laid there with him in a comfortable silence, cuddling and just being together in a way we hadn't since high school. I left his side to go pick more berries, but guarding the berry bush was a large snake. I turned to run back to him, but he was gone. Frantically, I look around, trying to find him, but he's nowhere in sight. Suddenly, the snake slithers towards me. Faster and faster it's coming towards me and I run until I collapse. When I look up, someone I knew from Columbia-Greene, another gay guy (I'm not sure if that detail is significant or not) was sitting there. "Help me!" I cry to him. "It's going to get me!"
He looks up and sees the snake; his big brown eyes widen to an almost comical degree. "I can't do anything," he says back, "I don't know if you're gay!"
"Yes you do!" I yell. "You know me!"
"Well the snake doesn't," he says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "Everyone knows snakes don't like gay people!" The snake is almost upon me now, and I'm to terrified to do anything. He's yelling in my face. "Say it! SAY IT!"
The snake's mouth is unhinging, open to an impossible wideness. I can see it's teeth, sharp and fanged, a mouth full of teeth that might as well have been razor blades. It doesn't make any sense why he would have been right, but it seemed to be the only thing that might save my life. I look right into the snake's eyes, completely devoid of color, black and soulless. I can't find my voice at first, but at the last possible second, I manage to scream it. "I'M GAY!" And the snake stops. Its' mouth closes and it turns back around and slithers back to the berry bush.
Suddenly my ex is back, and he hugs me tight. "You're okay," he whispers to me. "I promise you're okay. I won't let anything happen to you as long as you stay true to yourself."
And after that, it's gone. I don't know if there was more to the dream or not, but that's all I remember of it. The next one, the dream from last night, is in my memory as well, though I remember far less from last night's dream.
In last night's dream, I'd been dating Schmidt from the show New Girl. I was extremely unhappy in the relationship, but he was happy, so I went along with it. While walking in the city, I run into my ex-girlfriend, and we start talking. "Please!" I begged her, when she initally had no interest in talking to me. "We were friends once. We could be that again! We could be friends again, I swear to you I'll be okay with just friends." We talked about how our lives had been going; I don't remember the specifics, but I remember telling her how unhappy I was. "I miss dating girls," I said to her. "I feel like I'm lying to myself when I'm with him... I need a girl to make me happy again."
"Why are you with him then?" she asked. "If you're so unhappy, why are you still with him?"
I shrugged. "He's happy," was all I had to say to her question.
"You need to stop living your life for other people," she said to me. She said it so sternly that I had no choice but to listen to her. I couldn't tell if she was saying it as a friend or... or just saying it. I didn't know if she meant the words she was saying. "It's so important that you do what's best for you. Put yourself first for once in your life, and live your life in a way that makes you happy."
I smiled at her. I wanted to kiss her, but I couldn't let myself because I knew that wasn't what she wanted. I wanted nothing more than to kiss her again, to hold her in my arms again. Being so close without being together was painful... but I wanted her to be happy, and being with me wasn't what she wanted. Her happiness, even in my dream, was so important to me.
"Start doing what will make you happy. Don't be afraid to put yourself first once in a while."
And that's it for that one. It ends, it fades to black like in a movie, when she says that last line.
There's got to be some sort of meaning, and I'm sure you don't have to be someone who interprets dreams for a living to see it...
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