Red.
If you know me, you know the title of this post is a reference to more than just a color. It's a reference to a Taylor Swift album. More than just that, it's a reference to a whole spectrum of emotion. Red is anger and passion. Red is the hate you feel towards someone, a hate so strong you know it could only come as a result of having loved that person, so by association, red is love. Red is the color of your cheeks after you've kissed for the first time and the color of the nail polish you wear when you want to stand out. Red is fast and red is furious. Red is intense and in your face. It's not soft and it's not backing down. Red is confidence, so much more so than black.
The album Red is, overall, about a "crash-and-burn heartbreak," according to Taylor. I find myself able to relate, very much at the moment, to this. My heartbreak didn't come from the ending of a relationship, but rather a close friendship. I often find myself able to explain my emotions, my thoughts and feelings, better through Taylor's lyrics than with my own words. I find that I lack the poetry inside that Taylor seems to have naturally.
Why this blog post? Why this album?
I was best friends with a guy at Potsdam. We'll just call him A, despite the fact that his name doesn't start with a letter anywhere close to the beginning of the alphabet. A and I were close, really close. He was my best friend, and even though we're not friends any more (his choice, not mine), I don't think poorly of him. I don't think I ever could. He's a great guy and any girl would be lucky to have him. He's sweet and funny. He's nice and he's playful. He's serious when he has to be, but he jokes around and teases too. He's... well, he's perfect.
People kept telling me how perfect A and I would be together. Even some of my closest friends, they were telling me how A and I were going to end up as a couple. They said how cute we were together. How our personalities complimented each other. Over and over again. I found myself wishing I liked him the way people said I should. I found myself in a position I hadn't been in since high school - I was trying to force myself to like a guy just because that's what people wanted of me. I thought I was done with that, done trying to be someone else for everyone else, but apparently I wasn't. Apparently, though I thought I'd left her behind years ago, that scared little girl was still inside and still scared.
But how was I going to be with A? As much as I wanted to do what other people wanted me to do, I didn't know how to do that. Then one night, it was late, he was going to walk me back to my room from his room. Before we got out of the building, he realized he'd forgotten his card to get back into his building. I decided then to just spend the night in his room with him, as his roommate was spending the night in his girl friend's room. It was perfect. I was thinking about what everyone said ("you'd be so cute together!" and "you're perfect for each other, why don't you see that?") when I suggested that we both sleep in his bed, rather than him sleeping in his roommate's bed. But I wasn't thinking about anyone else when I kissed him.
I think it took him a little by surprise, but after a second, he kissed me back. I said later that I didn't even know how it happened or who kissed who first. He said we could just agree that we both kissed each other at the same time, but he had to have known, just as I did, that I was the one to make the first move. He kept asking me if I was sure that was what I wanted. When I said "yes," I was surprised to find that I truly meant it. I did want to kiss him. It wasn't magical. There weren't sparks and fireworks, the way I imagined a first kiss would be. But it was fun. It was nice. It wasn't magic, but I liked it and I did want it.
The next morning, I was a little distant from him. I was confused, trying to figure out just what it was my heart wanted. He could tell something was wrong and because he is the nicest guy, he didn't tease me. Rather, he asked what was wrong and listened to my answer. I told him I was confused. I told him how I'd been trying to force myself to like guys since forever. I told him how I finally stopped hating myself for the fact that I didn't and started accepting that. I told him how it confused me that, with him, it felt natural. It didn't feel magical, but it felt right. Being with him, our friendship moving from friendship towards the direction of possibly something more, felt like that's the way it was supposed to be. "Well," he'd said - and I can still see the look on his face - "you could always just pretend I'm a girl so it could make sense to you." See, how many guys would say that?
There were more kisses after that first one. Always when we were alone, as he didn't want anyone else to know. But why? That's something I still don't understand. Why couldn't any of our friends know? I was so happy, happier than I'd been in ages, and I couldn't tell any of our mutual friends.
Right around Halloween, one of our mutual friends found out. She made it her business to tell everyone and make a huge deal out of it. I admit it was my fault she found out. But it's her fault that she reacted the way she did. She didn't need to tell everybody. That was for A and I to say, if we so chose to. A was furious with me. No amount of apologizing I did made any difference. We stopped being friends. His choice, not mine. If it was up to me, we would still be close. We would have talked on Skype over this break. We would be texting nonstop, the way we did over the summer. I would be counting the days until I saw his face again. We would be making plans to hang out as soon as we were back in school.
I miss him. I miss being friends. If he ever reads this, he's going to hate the fact that I'm writing about him again, but I don't even care any more. I'm trying not to care anyway. I don't care how it sounds, but I'm writing about him because of Red.
Red, the album, has so many different lyrics that just fit for how I feel when it comes to him.
That first morning after we'd kissed, when I got back to my room, I put iTunes on shuffle and the first song that came on was Everything Has Changed. Perfect, right? Because everything had changed - in the most amazing way. "Your eyes look like coming home" and "You'll be mine and I'll be yours. All I know since yesterday is everything has changed."
The entire song Red fits so perfectly. Red is the perfect adjective I needed. "Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ended so suddenly." Uh, hashtag truth on that one. Our whatever it was we had came along so fast, faster than the wind, and so unexpected. One day we were friends. The next, we had kissed. And what seemed like the next, it was over. And when it ended, when everything ended, it was sudden. I was completely blindsided. "Losing him was blue like I'd never known. Missing him was dark grey, all alone." Your lyrics hit the nail on the head there too, Tay. When he made the decision that things were over between the two of us, it hurt. Badly. It was blue. It was dark grey. It was every sad color ever. "Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer." And "Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echos, tell myself it's time now, gotta let go. But moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head." I wish he'd listen to me again. I'd just tell him to listen to this song.
State of Grace? That song works too. "And I never saw you coming. And I'll never be the same." It's not that he came out of the blue, out of nowhere. It's that our... slightly-more-than-friendship did. "You come around and the armor falls." Yep. It does. I still trust him more than almost anybody. Around him, my walls are down. I don't find it necessary to have any armor up. When I'm with him, I know I don't have to be anyone but myself. And I love that. Loved. Past tense now, I suppose.
I'm not even going to go through All Too Well. But, A, if you ever do read this, please listen to that song. If you only take one thing from this entire post, aside from that fact that I'm sorry and I miss you and I always will love you, is listen to that song. That's the song I need you to hear. Those are the lyrics I need you to understand.
But the song that started this whole post... the song that made me think about him again... is Holy Ground. In the song, Taylor is reflecting on a past relationship that ended on a sour note, but now that she has grown and had time to reflect and mature, she understands that the relationship itself wasn't bad. She says that "right there where we stood is holy ground." And, A, it is. The lyric in particular, A, that brought this entire post about... "Tonight I'm gonna dance for all that we've been through, but I don't wanna dance if I'm not dancing with you. Tonight I'm gonna dance like you were in this room, but I don't wanna dance if I'm not dancing with you." A, I don't want to dance without you. Forget stupid middle school dances where all you do is sway back and forth with your crush during the slow songs. Not counting middle school and not counting spinning around in circles with Sara, who was drunk and I tried to pretend she wasn't and tried to pretend she liked me too, you were my first real dance. You brought me out of my shell. Because of you, I had fun at dances. Because I you, I tried swing dance. Because of you, I have happy memories of dancing and feeling silly and feeling free. A, you made me the happiest person alive.
Look, A, I'm sorry. And shame on me now. Even though I know that we are never, ever, ever, ever getting back together (like ever), I still can't help but to hope that someday, I'll be able to watch it begin again. This is getting cheesy, so I'll stop. But just so you know, I write you text messages that I just delete. I go to call you, but I hang up before even the first ring. It really does take everything in me not to call you, and every time I don't, I almost do.
The album Red is, overall, about a "crash-and-burn heartbreak," according to Taylor. I find myself able to relate, very much at the moment, to this. My heartbreak didn't come from the ending of a relationship, but rather a close friendship. I often find myself able to explain my emotions, my thoughts and feelings, better through Taylor's lyrics than with my own words. I find that I lack the poetry inside that Taylor seems to have naturally.
Why this blog post? Why this album?
I was best friends with a guy at Potsdam. We'll just call him A, despite the fact that his name doesn't start with a letter anywhere close to the beginning of the alphabet. A and I were close, really close. He was my best friend, and even though we're not friends any more (his choice, not mine), I don't think poorly of him. I don't think I ever could. He's a great guy and any girl would be lucky to have him. He's sweet and funny. He's nice and he's playful. He's serious when he has to be, but he jokes around and teases too. He's... well, he's perfect.
People kept telling me how perfect A and I would be together. Even some of my closest friends, they were telling me how A and I were going to end up as a couple. They said how cute we were together. How our personalities complimented each other. Over and over again. I found myself wishing I liked him the way people said I should. I found myself in a position I hadn't been in since high school - I was trying to force myself to like a guy just because that's what people wanted of me. I thought I was done with that, done trying to be someone else for everyone else, but apparently I wasn't. Apparently, though I thought I'd left her behind years ago, that scared little girl was still inside and still scared.
But how was I going to be with A? As much as I wanted to do what other people wanted me to do, I didn't know how to do that. Then one night, it was late, he was going to walk me back to my room from his room. Before we got out of the building, he realized he'd forgotten his card to get back into his building. I decided then to just spend the night in his room with him, as his roommate was spending the night in his girl friend's room. It was perfect. I was thinking about what everyone said ("you'd be so cute together!" and "you're perfect for each other, why don't you see that?") when I suggested that we both sleep in his bed, rather than him sleeping in his roommate's bed. But I wasn't thinking about anyone else when I kissed him.
I think it took him a little by surprise, but after a second, he kissed me back. I said later that I didn't even know how it happened or who kissed who first. He said we could just agree that we both kissed each other at the same time, but he had to have known, just as I did, that I was the one to make the first move. He kept asking me if I was sure that was what I wanted. When I said "yes," I was surprised to find that I truly meant it. I did want to kiss him. It wasn't magical. There weren't sparks and fireworks, the way I imagined a first kiss would be. But it was fun. It was nice. It wasn't magic, but I liked it and I did want it.
The next morning, I was a little distant from him. I was confused, trying to figure out just what it was my heart wanted. He could tell something was wrong and because he is the nicest guy, he didn't tease me. Rather, he asked what was wrong and listened to my answer. I told him I was confused. I told him how I'd been trying to force myself to like guys since forever. I told him how I finally stopped hating myself for the fact that I didn't and started accepting that. I told him how it confused me that, with him, it felt natural. It didn't feel magical, but it felt right. Being with him, our friendship moving from friendship towards the direction of possibly something more, felt like that's the way it was supposed to be. "Well," he'd said - and I can still see the look on his face - "you could always just pretend I'm a girl so it could make sense to you." See, how many guys would say that?
There were more kisses after that first one. Always when we were alone, as he didn't want anyone else to know. But why? That's something I still don't understand. Why couldn't any of our friends know? I was so happy, happier than I'd been in ages, and I couldn't tell any of our mutual friends.
Right around Halloween, one of our mutual friends found out. She made it her business to tell everyone and make a huge deal out of it. I admit it was my fault she found out. But it's her fault that she reacted the way she did. She didn't need to tell everybody. That was for A and I to say, if we so chose to. A was furious with me. No amount of apologizing I did made any difference. We stopped being friends. His choice, not mine. If it was up to me, we would still be close. We would have talked on Skype over this break. We would be texting nonstop, the way we did over the summer. I would be counting the days until I saw his face again. We would be making plans to hang out as soon as we were back in school.
I miss him. I miss being friends. If he ever reads this, he's going to hate the fact that I'm writing about him again, but I don't even care any more. I'm trying not to care anyway. I don't care how it sounds, but I'm writing about him because of Red.
Red, the album, has so many different lyrics that just fit for how I feel when it comes to him.
That first morning after we'd kissed, when I got back to my room, I put iTunes on shuffle and the first song that came on was Everything Has Changed. Perfect, right? Because everything had changed - in the most amazing way. "Your eyes look like coming home" and "You'll be mine and I'll be yours. All I know since yesterday is everything has changed."
The entire song Red fits so perfectly. Red is the perfect adjective I needed. "Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ended so suddenly." Uh, hashtag truth on that one. Our whatever it was we had came along so fast, faster than the wind, and so unexpected. One day we were friends. The next, we had kissed. And what seemed like the next, it was over. And when it ended, when everything ended, it was sudden. I was completely blindsided. "Losing him was blue like I'd never known. Missing him was dark grey, all alone." Your lyrics hit the nail on the head there too, Tay. When he made the decision that things were over between the two of us, it hurt. Badly. It was blue. It was dark grey. It was every sad color ever. "Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer." And "Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echos, tell myself it's time now, gotta let go. But moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head." I wish he'd listen to me again. I'd just tell him to listen to this song.
State of Grace? That song works too. "And I never saw you coming. And I'll never be the same." It's not that he came out of the blue, out of nowhere. It's that our... slightly-more-than-friendship did. "You come around and the armor falls." Yep. It does. I still trust him more than almost anybody. Around him, my walls are down. I don't find it necessary to have any armor up. When I'm with him, I know I don't have to be anyone but myself. And I love that. Loved. Past tense now, I suppose.
I'm not even going to go through All Too Well. But, A, if you ever do read this, please listen to that song. If you only take one thing from this entire post, aside from that fact that I'm sorry and I miss you and I always will love you, is listen to that song. That's the song I need you to hear. Those are the lyrics I need you to understand.
But the song that started this whole post... the song that made me think about him again... is Holy Ground. In the song, Taylor is reflecting on a past relationship that ended on a sour note, but now that she has grown and had time to reflect and mature, she understands that the relationship itself wasn't bad. She says that "right there where we stood is holy ground." And, A, it is. The lyric in particular, A, that brought this entire post about... "Tonight I'm gonna dance for all that we've been through, but I don't wanna dance if I'm not dancing with you. Tonight I'm gonna dance like you were in this room, but I don't wanna dance if I'm not dancing with you." A, I don't want to dance without you. Forget stupid middle school dances where all you do is sway back and forth with your crush during the slow songs. Not counting middle school and not counting spinning around in circles with Sara, who was drunk and I tried to pretend she wasn't and tried to pretend she liked me too, you were my first real dance. You brought me out of my shell. Because of you, I had fun at dances. Because I you, I tried swing dance. Because of you, I have happy memories of dancing and feeling silly and feeling free. A, you made me the happiest person alive.
Look, A, I'm sorry. And shame on me now. Even though I know that we are never, ever, ever, ever getting back together (like ever), I still can't help but to hope that someday, I'll be able to watch it begin again. This is getting cheesy, so I'll stop. But just so you know, I write you text messages that I just delete. I go to call you, but I hang up before even the first ring. It really does take everything in me not to call you, and every time I don't, I almost do.
Comments
Post a Comment